Tag: Noah

Rain: Is It Good or Bad?

July 16, 2021 / Gavriel Sacks / 0 Comments

Is rain good or bad? Is God real? We obviously only tackle big questions such as the former at Decablogs, so obviously, Noah was the first to have a crack. Check out his answer. (P.S. It isn’t 42)

16th July 2021

By Noah

Today is Monday the 12^th of July (Editor’s Note: Noah didn’t get this to us for a few days). I just got absolutely soaked. I’m talking T-shirt stuck to chest soaked. Hair stuck to face, socks stuck to feet. At this point you may be thinking, (in fact, you will definitely be thinking): ‘Why hasn’t he mentioned shorts stuck to bum?’ The simple answer to that is that I was on the Northern Line and it was very hot and, honestly, my shorts were stuck to my bum long before I got out into the rain.

But anyway, I digress. Having been drenched, I couldn’t help but think ‘rain sucks’. And yet I’ve been kept awake in the two hours since then (from 6 o’clock to 8 o’clock), wondering if it really does. This blog will conclude that it does, and yet also doesn’t. Enjoy 🙂

1. Hay-fever – Doesn’t suck!

Say goodbye to snotty noses, burning eyes, and phlegm-ed mouths (pronounced fleg-meed-ed). Rain washes away all the pollen and you can finally breathe for the first time since March. Undeniably a delight for us hay-fever sufferers. After all, breathing is kind of useful in the late economic climate. (Don’t believe me? Skip to 13:45 in The Big Short)

2. Outdoor sports – Sucks/Doesn’t suck

Rain is amazing when playing sport outside because it simply makes it that much more exhilarating. To quote: ‘the rain adds to the excitement with maybe a few slips and maybe a few spills’ – Martin Tyler/ Alan Smith, FIFA 16. But then, you have to get changed or stop playing and the general ‘wetness’ is no longer enjoyable. Where ‘slips’ and ‘spills’ increase excitement on the football pitch, they only increase the chances of cracking your head open in the changing room on a bench, bin, or toilet.

3. Clothes – Suck

Last year I came up with a solution. A solution to the clothes sticking problem. I realised that what is so uncomfortable about rain is not the actual being wet itself, but it’s the feeling of your clothes sticking to your body. Think about it. When you’re in the shower are you uncomfortable? No. Because you’re naked. The theory states that the less clothing I wear when it’s raining, the more comfortable I am. However, as previously mentioned, my clothes did stick to me and that was because I was on public transport, where people tend to get iffy about you being naked.

4. Rain in Africa – Doesn’t suck!

No explanation needed here. Also, check out Elliot’s blog on the Songs of the Week!

5. Shorts stuck to bum – Doesn’t suck!

Now, this is a clever one. When it rains like this, not only does everyone else complain about their underpants being soaking, but also, they don’t notice mine were already! In dry weather, I’m an outcast – a sweaty bum-ed leper. But – ah – in the rain, I am a normal man in society, finally accepted back into the world.

Evaluation of rain:

Ignoring the ‘Sucks/Doesn’t suck’, it’s 3-1 to the decision that rain doesn’t suck. As there are significant arguments on both sides, it is clear that rain both sucks and doesn’t suck. Thanks… chik chika chika… Jazz.

Aliens Living Among Us

May 11, 2021 / Noah Mendel / 9 Comments

Noah is fascinated by aliens and extra-terrestrial beings. As an inexperienced alien hunter he has sought to expose some of the most prevalent aliens in society: Mark Zuckerberg, Dominic Cummings and Matt Hancock.

11th May 2021

By Noah

For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated by the idea of aliens and extra-terrestrial beings. Conspiracy theories like Area 51 and Roswell are just so perplexingly interesting for me. Yes, I guess you could say I get very easily convinced by conspiracy theories just for the sheer fun of them, but what if aliens actually did live among us? What’s more, we wouldn’t even know if they did. That said, whilst some aliens living among us hide it excellently, there are those who do not hide well at all. Using my limited alien-hunting skills I very easily found three aliens living among us: Domonic Cummings, Mark Zuckerberg and Matt Hancock. Please go back to your home planet. We do not want you here. Other aliens might be exciting, but you are not. Go home.

I’m sure I am not the only one to realise that these ‘men’ are clearly not ‘men’ at all, but in fact beings from other galaxies that are doing a very poor job of imitating humans, but for the avoidance of doubt, let me explain how I have come to this conclusion.

Dominic Cummings

Appearance: Slightly weird. Can’t be pinpointed. Are his eyes a bit too close together?

Alien rating: 7/10

Human rating: 2/10 (editor’s note: the alien and human ratings don’t add up to 10 here because he is part troglodyte)

Alien planet: Cumming

The supposed mastermind behind Brexit is quite clearly slimy and green beneath his human-skin overcoat. There’s something about the way he wears glasses that suggests he either has mind control or x-ray vision. Evidence for the fact that his alien race is ‘Cumming’ is suggested in an interview where he begins with the phrase: ‘thank you for Cumming’. Perhaps this is a ‘Cumming’ greeting that begins all conversations? This is probably not dissimilar from saying grace before a meal or thanking Earth for a bountiful harvest. Of course, the name of this mysterious alien race is where he gets his ‘human’ surname from. Furthermore, it was in this very interview that Cummings apologised for breaking COVID regulations and driving to Durham. However, I have concluded that he was in fact trying to escape Earth. Only 20 miles from Durham, Tyneside is a small town where there have been numerous UFO sightings and it’s not very hard to connect the dots and realise that Cummings had something to do with these sightings. Spitting Image does an excellent job at conveying rather the same point as me. Cummings is clearly an evil alien genius.

Mark Zuckerberg

Appearance: Not very similar to Jesse Eisenberg. He has the palest possible complexion known to man when in true alien form.

Alien rating: 7/10

Human rating: 5/10

Alien planet: Brodo Asogi (same as E.T.)

Facebook is widely used and widely praised. However, inevitably, every silver lining has a cloud – the company’s owner and founder is an alien… Oh sweet, sweet Marky Mark. You did everything right (not really) until this photo of you surfing was released. If that even is a human ‘surfboard’ after all and not some alien device. You could have passed as slightly weird before this moment. But, here today, your fun studying the human race must come to an end as I have revealed your true identity. It was Facebook that allowed Zuckerberg to do this so brilliantly. With its creation, he can monitor over 2.7 billion people and learn from us as we continue to accept his “terms and conditions”. Are his intentions good or bad? I cannot say. Your only take away from this should be to perhaps read “terms and conditions” before immediately pressing accept in case you agree to offer your body as a human host for Zuckerberg.

By the way, check out Gavriel’s blogs which almost always shout out Zucky: one such one is “How To Write A Blog” at:

How To Write A Blog

Matt Hancock

Appearance: Remarkably similar to the average 42-year-old male.

Alien rating: 1/10

Human rating: 1/10

Alien planet: Unknown

Look. Matt Hancock is a fairly normal guy who happens to be fairly terrible at his job. And, like Mark Zuckerberg, he wouldn’t be noticed as an alien if it was not for one slip up. In an interview with Wendy Maisey, Hancock stands just too close for any real human.

His intent, fixed, gaze on Maisey suggests that either he has never seen a woman before, or he has never been allowed this close to one. Pretty strange. His motives remain unknown, and in general, he remains under the radar. But I’m expecting this man to do something big soon… and something equally weird.

By no means is this the vast extent of all the aliens living on Earth; these are simply the three that I have chosen to unveil. Furthermore, it was not my intention to challenge the giants of the social media world just as Austin did in his blog (linked below). My sole intention is to raise awareness about the possibility that your neighbour might not have the same sequence of DNA as you.

David and Goliath

Thanks for reading and a big “THANK YOU” to Mike Allton.

The Top 10 Best Colours

May 2, 2021 / Noah Mendel / 24 Comments

2nd May 2021

By Noah

In this fast-moving, electronic world it’s so easy for days and weeks to go past in the blink of an eye. Do you ever look around you and consider the beauty and the hierarchy of things around you? Yes, the hierarchy. The true hierarchy of the visible light spectrum is often ignored by the ordinary person. But, as usual, I’m no ordinary person. Sure, any 6-year-old will proudly tell you what their favourite colour is as if it defines who they are, but no one ever asks what your second favourite colour is or least favourite. However, whereas your favourite colour is subjective, I will now, objectively, state what the top 10 best colours are and explain why.

10. White

Idioms/uses: White as snow

Movie quote: ‘I just did an entirely white poo’ – The Brothers Grimsby

White sucks. It is literally the blandest colour known to man and anyone who chooses to get a white car is a joke. Oh yeah, and it also happens to be the colour of the race that has been the primary contributor to racism in the last 2000 years. So yeah, white goes bottom of my list.

9. Yellow

Idioms/uses: To be yellow

Movie quote: ‘Nobody calls me yellow’ – Back to the Future Part III

Yellow is only a tiny bit better than white because it has different shades. At best you get the delightful golden-yellow sunrise, which would put yellow around sixth on this list. On the other hand, however, you have beige. The colour of sand. But not sand on the beach. Sand when you’re pouring it out of your shoe afterwards. No wonder Marty McFly famously said, ‘Nobody calls me yellow!’ Simply because, like white, yellow sucks.

8. Brown

Idioms/uses: How now, brown cow?

Pretty boring. Also, the colour of poo. Countered by being the colour of chocolate. If you wear brown, you look like a tree. Weirdly if you wear green you don’t. But if you wear brown you do.

7. Black

Idioms/uses: Black as night

Movie quote: ‘Black?! That’s the worst colour there is! [to Carl] No offence there, Carl’ – The Simpsons Movie

No, not the colour black that you’ve seen before. What gets black all the way up to number 7 is ‘true black’. The blackest of the black. In fact, the pure black that I’m talking about doesn’t even exist on Earth. Recently, a British company produced a strange material so black that it absorbs all but 0.035% of visual light. I think they won a Guinness world record for that. Pretty cool, no? Otherwise, black’s kind of boring. Almost like a ‘staple’ colour. The only person who really pulls off this colour is Batman.

6. Green

Idioms/uses: Green about the gills

Movie quote: ‘Don’t make the super suit green, or animated’ – Deadpool

Had a pair of bright green trousers once. My prized possession. Everyone else thought I looked stupid, but I knew I looked pretty cool. I’ve got a lot of respect for green, and it doesn’t get the fame it deserves. Also, my Mum’s favourite colour. Got nothing against green, it just doesn’t have much going for it. Also, Decablogs.

5. Red

Idioms/uses: Face going red (blushing)

Movie quote: ‘A red sun rises. Blood has been spilt this night.’ – The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Song: Seeing Red (by Decablogs’ very own Elliot)

The crowd’s favourite. Everyone loves a bit of red. Slap some red racing stripes on a car, and it goes three times faster. True story. Red’s the colour of my underpants and Arsenal. So, can’t be going wrong. Also, ‘Seeing Red’ by Cynics, is one of the greatest songs to grace this planet. So go listen. But Fool’s Paradise isn’t for me.

4. Pink

Idioms/uses: Tickled pink

Movie quote: ‘On Wednesdays we wear pink’ – Mean Girls

If you’re a girl and you wear a lot of pink, you’re probably annoying. If you’re a boy and you wear a lot of pink you probably think you’re too handsome for these shorts. In moderation, it’s a great colour, but just slightly worse than purple.

3. The Color Purple

No not the actual colour. But the film (editor’s note: THE BOOK). It follows the life of Celie, a young black girl growing up in the early 1900s. At the age of 14 she was impregnated by her father and the film follows the next 30 years of her life. Absolutely brilliant film. Also, released to the world ‘Miss Celie’s blues’, with a pitch-perfect opening lick. Strongly recommend. Oh yeah and the actual colour isn’t too bad either.

2. Blue

Idioms/uses: Blue balls

The crème de la crème. Colour of lots of things. No argument required. If blue balls were actually blue then this would be lower on the list but seeing as they’re still the colour of your normal balls, then it doesn’t really matter.

1. Jazz

Yes, I know, not a colour. However, it is the best music genre out there and it’s dying. So please, please, go listen to some jazz. You will not regret.

PS: To check out some awesome jazz analysis click the following link.

One Note Samba Lyrics

PPS: For other amazing blogs click the links below or check out some of the other ramblings posted elsewhere on this wonderful website/

One Note Samba Lyrics

April 12, 2021 / Noah Mendel / 8 Comments

12th April 2021

By Noah

For the first time in history, I am going to attempt to do something that no one has ever done. Scientists and musicians alike have failed to do this great feat. But I will now, as you are witnessing, solve one of the world’s toughest questions: what are the lyrics to Ella Fitzgerald’s version of One Note Samba? It was sung only once ever, on June 22nd, 1969. As someone who enjoys scatting regularly, be it at house parties or at supermarkets, I love listening to Ella Fitzgerald. However, a limitation to my scatting is that I never know what words to sing. Hopefully, by finally discovering what they are in ‘One Note Samba’, my scatting will be all the more improved. I will not deny that this is an incredibly difficult and daunting task, and so only the first 30 seconds will be transliterated. On the YouTube video below this is from 0:49 to 1:19. Of course, this is only my interpretation of the lyrics and this does not take into account the eccentricity of the rhythm. Anyway, my lyrics are as follows:

Shum digidi boom boom bigidi gdning nang dunalang guna lang loo – AH

Shigilidi ooo boom bigidi didooo dung bazizoo – AH

Boo didilinindilin doondidilindoodoo bindoon d – AH

Boodun boobi boodin booba boodun doodi doodun doobib doob – AH

Shundidilin beeeee doo dun doo doo doodidlindoo didlilidoo dibum – HO

Didilindoo dididilidoo didiliyoo – AH

Shibidoodeeeeee din doo din dun don lood – AH

Daboobabooboo dandoobey babadoo dandilindooy – AH

Shabidiloobididiboo dibidoiiiiya dibidoiiiya

Shabidilidoondiboo didoiiiya badoodidoiiiya!

I apologise to anyone who is offended by some of the inappropriate words that were necessary to transliterate this work of art. For example, doody and booby. Unfortunately, Ella Fitzgerald never released the clean version, and I am simply a fan. I hope you enjoyed this. I know I certainly did.