22nd April 2021

By Gavriel

I am an insomniac. Why? Because I am a psychopath. I am also Batman. Read on to witness my uncannily brilliant attempt to justify my heinous crimes…

I am writing this post at 23:20 at night whilst listening to a playlist of One Direction and Eminem. I am not ready for bed. Many of my peers are insomniacs due to the addiction that is social media and our mobile phones, watching movies until 01:00 or engaging in nonsensical debates about football as every semblance of intelligence and wit renders itself useless. It is an unhealthy addiction. One which is probably damaging to the health of countless people. I am presently writing this on my laptop – the hypocrisy is real.

Why, then, would I possibly endorse being an insomniac? Given the lack of ad revenue this website is generating, it would be unwise to endorse anything without the promise of a large sum of money (hint, hint @richpeoplewithmoneytospare). I believe there is an article published by fellow decablogger Nilesh about the importance of sleep which I shall attach below. I by no means intend to discredit the numerous facts which Nilesh raises (and the size of a man’s penis which supposedly goes down with a lack of sleep), yet I still deprive myself of the recommended hours of sleep. Why?

Nilesh’s article: https://decablogs.com/sleep-mans-greatest-superpower/

There are various famous cases of insomniacs who are highly successful Homosapiens who have irregular sleeping patterns (don’t quote me on this though, some might be Neanderthals). The man who inspired mine was the late great Kobe Bryant. Kobe would wake up in the early hours (around 4am) to work out, thus maximising his opportunity to get stuff done during the day. By extending his working hours he was able to expand his commitments whilst spending more time on his craft. Kobe was the hardest worker in the history of basketball, and his resumé shows he was successful. Bruce Wayne, a.k.a Batman, utilises the Uberman sleep schedule, as did Nikola Tesla and Leonardo Da Vinci. This consists of taking 20-minute naps every 4 hours for a total of 3 hours of sleep a day.

The most successful modern entrepreneurs also get early starts with little sleep. Granted, many do not choose to work late into the evening, but Musk, Jobs and Clinton are amongst the most successful examples of people who got/get up around 6 hours of sleep a day, rising at 6 and going to sleep at midnight. Then again, Monica Lewinsky had to leave enough time after her curfew to sneak out of her mummy’s place to the White House so Clinton may have waited up for that reason. My pattern is not too dissimilar – because I don’t live in the White House, obviously, or do I…

I shan’t reveal my exact sleeping pattern (I intend on selling that once I’m rich and famous in a few months once this blog blows up – figuratively) but the premise is consistent. By sleeping less and working more I maximise the amount of work – i.e. hours of FIFA played – that I am capable of doing. Years of conditioning means I rarely feel the effects of exhaustion whilst working, so between the hours during which I wear my Thomas the Tank Engine pyjamas, I can be as productive as possible and get as much work done as possible. My overuse of similes in the previous sentence might suggest otherwise, but I swear my excessive desire to use mundane literary techniques is solely a reflection of my personality.

I didn’t really need to explain all of that, nor was there any remotely competent argument above, but I implore my gazillions of readers to consider the following: are we truly immortal until proven otherwise? (Sorry, too much TikTok). Instead, could we spend our time awake better, especially if we are awake ridiculously late already? As such I have fulfilled the promises outlined on the About Us section of the website: I have published my meandering digressions as a blog using my omnipotence as a man publishing blogs. “Big Brother Is Watching You” is the goal, but given that my meeting with Zuckerberg hasn’t been scheduled, the present attempt at a creepy message is: “Gavriel is hoping that you are reading his blogs”.

Many thanks to my amazing readers and have a week without any utopian dictatorships destroying your lives. Again, applications for a fanbase name welcomed in the comments.

Yours sleepily at just past midnight,

The Laird.