Tag: Gavriel

Loki Episode 6 – For All Time. Always

July 18, 2021 / / 0 Comments

In his return to MARVEL blogging, Gavriel takes a deep dive into the season finale of Disney + series Loki. As if pointing out loads of hidden details wasn’t enough, Gavriel also speculates about what this might mean for the future of the MCU.

18th July 2021

By Gavriel

It’s Been A Long, Long Time

The episode begins with the song “It’s Been A Long, Long Time”, first played in Captain America: The Winter Soldier but more memorably when Cap dances with Peggy at the end of Endgame, possibly creating at that moment a new timeline.

Loki

Iconic Sounds

As the MARVEL title animation comes into focus we hear famous lines from each character as they begin to appear. But as the camera pans out and shows the Sacred Timeline in its entirety circling the “time citadel” the sounds merge and become a cacophony. Perhaps this represents the simultaneous occurrences of all these events and time as a whole from the perspective of the one who remains. From Spider Man’s web shooter to Peter Quill’s dance-off and “the friend from work” line, the sequence pays homage to the entirety of the MCU. Fun fact: a make-a-wish kid visiting the set of Ragnarok came up with that line, which is arguably one of the more iconic lines from the MCU.

Expanding the Loki “verse”

The voices then transition away from MCU lines to the words of notable people. Philosopher Alan Watts begins: “We think of time as a one-way motion from the past through the present and on into the future.” Watts argued that time wasn’t the past affecting the future but an imaginary concept we perceive from the present. Niel Armstrong’s first steps from the moon are recorded as a mysterious ship flies by, and then Greta gets a word.

Malala is also heard followed by Mandela as Tchaikovsky’s music from Swan Lake is heard. Putting on my English Literature student cap, this might represent the battle between light and dark. In a sense, this is like this variant of Kang’s battle with other, worse variants.

Beethoven’s Für Elise is then heard as we see two adjacent black holes. We zoom into the next black hole as we hear “GLORIOUS PURPOSE” screamed by the older, variant Loki.

Ravonna

In her initial conversation with Miss Minutes, Ravonna seems to have no clue who “he” (He Who Remains) is. However, when she has her chat with Mobius she seems far more agitated. She is certain that “he” is the only one with free will and she is determined to find him, disappearing off perhaps to find a variant of Kang.

Ravonna came from FDR high school, where she was the principal “Rebecca Tourminet”, an alias she uses in the comics. She is Kang’s love interest in the comics, and her search for free will might lead to her entanglement with Kang at some point down the line.

Kang/He Who Remains Explained

Kang the Conqueror was a scientist who discovered alternate universes and made contact with other versions of Kang. They were all narcissists and started fighting with each other, naturally. This version, “He Who Remains”, won their war, and he uses the TVA to keep his throne secure. When he is no longer able to control the timeline, the other Kang’s start fighting again.

“He Who Remains” is a variant of Kang the Conqueror. Jonathan Majors has been cast as Kang for Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania and his character in episode 6 was dressed like Immortus (another variant of Kang). He refers to himself as a “Conqueror”, and the light initially casts his face in blue which makes him look like his comic-book costume.

He snaps at Sylvie, calling her a murder and a hypocrite, similar to Kaecilius calling the Ancient One a hypocrite in Doctor Strange. The breaking of the timeline is depicted similarly to lightning, which is also seen in Doctor Strange when the Ancient One slows down time as she dies. At this point, neither He Who Remains nor the Ancient One can see beyond this point. When Loki returns to the TVA it has already changed.

That Was Loki Very Deceitful

When Sylvie stabs He Who Remains he winks and says “see you soon”. This scene is executed chillingly. She truly had no free will in their battle. Kang well and truly was in control the whole time, and in spite of his inability to see the future he set up a scenario in which he, and only he, could win.

Kang’s offer to promote Sylvie and Loki is backhanded. Their affection for one another (albeit somewhat inappropriate) makes them Nexus beings with immense powers when together. Kang probably realises this and thus drives a wedge between them the entire episode masked by his candid attitude. Now Kang can return in an even more dangerous form.

Loki and Sylvie

Despite their odd relationship, it is strange to see them fight. Their fight is undoubtedly a callback to Loki a few episodes back when he calls love a ‘dagger’. Up close you can see yourself in it and it is beautiful (Loki and Sylvie kiss). But, when you reach for it you bleed (Sylvie pushes Loki through a time-door).

Classic Loki’s wisdom reigns supreme. Blades are worthless against a Loki’s magic. However, Loki learned the key lesson Sylvie laid out for him at the beginning of the series – it truly isn’t all about Loki. Hopefully, we can see more of the duo in season 2 of the series. It will probably come out just before the next Ant-Man and the Wasp in early 2023.

Multiverse

Loki’s return to the TVA shows on the monitor many branches overlapping, and in our cosmic view of the multiverse, many sections are red. Perhaps this is an explanation for Scarlet Witch hearing her children calling out in the post-credit scene of Wandavision? Perhaps this will also explain how Alfred Molina and Jamie Foxx will appear in Spider-Man: No Way Home. We should get a trailer for that soon.

Mobius and B15 don’t know who Loki is and the timekeeper statues are replaced by a statue of Kang the Conqueror. Its true creator (Kang) is now for all time, always. Well, at least until he is inevitably dethroned in a possible Fantastic 4 movie, or any other movie really. It does seem as if Kang has the potential to be the next big bad of MARVEL.

If you have any questions or theories feel free to email us at decablogs10@gmail.com and I’ll be sure to respond.

You will never be a god me,

Gavriel

Astrology Predicts Your Week Ahead #2

June 28, 2021 / / 0 Comments

Guess who’s back, back again, Gavriel’s back, tell a friend. Tell a friend that he’s a bellend. Astrology is a science, and after last week’s spot-on predictions, I am back to damn you all with bad news. Classic Monday.

28th June 2021

By Gavriel

Astrology IS A Science

After many complaints last week, I would like to clarify that astrology is a science. We received much feedback about how many of my predictions came true (although that could partly be because I am always right), so it is pretty obvious that I know my stuff. The stars and planets do too. Are you going to doubt the planets? Thought not. Without further adieu, this is what will happen to each of you in the next week.

Aries | 21 March – 19 April

Over the coming week, you will convince yourself that you are a deep and enlightened soul. You are delusional and love self-aggrandisement. Listening to Adele’s Rolling in the Deep does not make you suddenly aware of everyone’s deepest secrets, because, unless you are a book or TV character built on trauma, no one is really that complex.

Stop pretending that you know what you are on about and stop judging people because you are not a higher entity. The Devil’s Anus is cooler than you. In fact, one might say you have a royal sceptre up your anus. You will drink milk this week.

Taurus | 20 April – 20 May

Megan Fox is a Taurus. Therefore it is only right that my prediction for the next week is that you will all find love. In Megan Fox’s case, that would be with me. The Decablogs DMs are always open because my private account is too private even for Megan Fox.

I reckon once we are famous across the whole galaxy, and we are already world-famous so we’re halfway there (woooaaaah, living on a prayer), I will make a burner account on Twitter. Perhaps I will roast Decablogs and whatnot. Or I could do that now in the form of a blog. Thoughts?

Gemini | 21 May – 20 June

All Geminis are wankers, and I’m just thanking my lucky scientific stars that it’s no longer your month. Although, every month is your month. Obviously, because you make it all about you all the time. You will drink urine without knowing it. Karma is a bitch, sonnnnn (Brooklyn 99, Season 5 Episode 14, the one with the dentist played by Sterling Brown). Or should I say sun?

Cancer | 21 June – 22 July

Congratulations, it is your month. Just because it’s about to be your birthday doesn’t mean you can avoid daily trips to the shitter. You guys fart a lot. A lot a lot. This week you will hopefully wipe your bum, but on a separate note please stop thinking that you are better than everyone else. You are what you eat and you lick your fingers after you go to the toilet. Put two and two together and you will probably drink some dirty water. Water…

Leo | 23 July – 22 August

You probably have no plans for the next week but have warned everyone for months that you will be a “riot” once things re-open. You won’t be. Instead, you will put a picture of you holding a glass of wine on your Instagram story. It’s just dark grape juice, and if you knew how to make a Margarita then you still wouldn’t. Enjoy your dry week being little fun whatsoever. Enjoy your grape juice but try to spice it up a bit. Ever had Ella’s Kitchen?

Astrology in an Ella's Kitchen shell

Virgo | 23 August – 22 September

I like you guys. Most of the time. Alas, this week you won’t bear the brunt of my star grazing. Mostly because I ran out of time due to an extended time staring at Uranus. Don’t be silly there. But you will most likely be caught masticating by your parents this week. Enjoy that odd experience, but try some cake. Ahhh, cake. Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake. Caaaaaaaaaaaake. Looks like a strange word, doesn’t it? Cake. Now you are hungry. So am I. Boom.

Libra | 23 September – 22 October

Oh, what a time to be alive. Or rather, what a time to be born! In the upcoming week, you will be prosperous, and Megan Fox might even slide into your DMs (if you are me). Now, you may crown yourselves as legends. Enjoy your evening glass of milk with cookies you absolute ballers.

Scorpio | 23 October – 21 November

I heard there was a She-Hulk series coming out at some point on Disney+ and most of you will be in the running to get an audition. Naturally, you were the best choice (#methodacting), but you will still be moody the entire time. However, there is a distinction between being horrible and moody, and you aren’t an Aries so you aren’t a bitch. Then again, you are still quite annoying. Think of a little brother. Nice company sometimes, but annoying the rest.

Sagittarius | 22 November – 21 December

Stop boasting this week. It’s enough, really. I mean, you basically live the same, mundane life that we all do yet for some reason you think that you do things better. You are, in fact, a prick – I had to take ‘prick’ out of all my previous blogs for Google suing us reasons so I’m delighted to bring that back. But let’s be honest, none of you Sagittarius blokes are reading this blog because you are shocking human beings who refuse to be semi-decent. Enjoy lying in a cactus bath.

Oh, and this week you will drink water because you aren’t exciting enough for milk or alcohol. Some of you are nice, by the way. You don’t know who you are. Odds are if you think you’re nice, you have a massive ego. Makes up for the little package. From Amazon of course.

Capricorn | 22 December – 19 January

Congratulations! This week you will become so deluded that you think you have a unicorn. You will spend hours shining its horn and then realise, that you were, in fact, shining something less fun. Cilit BANG and your nice skin is gone. Instead of your normal apple, you will have eaten an onion for dessert too. Well done, pat on the back, move on.

Aquarius | 20 January – 18 February

I like Aquarius people. The dude looking over my shoulder is an Aquarius, as are many Decablogs super-fans. Hence, you guys will have a good week. I guarantee it. And if you don’t, someone is lying about your birthday. Aquarius is also water stuff, so check out Boris’ blog on cephalopods.

Pisces | 19 February – 20 March

Everyone hates Pisces men, but this week I’m inclined to give them a break. Mostly because this is the last bit of my blog and I am all out of inspiration. Partly because I am a saint and you guys deserve some slack. However, you will likely drink some alcohol this week to distract you from a) existential crises b) your failures c) the knowledge that you didn’t get beat about this week. Enjoy your week off.

Astrology My Arse

When talking about planets, Uranus comes up a lot. Why is that? Obviously, because it’s my Aquarius sign, yadda yadda yadda. So yeah, the end of this here blog is an anus joke, because why the hell not? Intergalactic peace out.

Astrology Predicts Your Week Ahead

June 22, 2021 / / 1 Comment

I like to blame everything on astrology. Why am I a bellend? Probably because of the date and time of my birth. Read on to see an indecisive Libra attempt to write a blog predicting what will happen to each star sign over the next week.

21st June 2021

By Gavriel

Astrology 101

Do you believe astrology is absolute horse crap? Probably. My question to you is: what Hogwarts house are you in? Nonetheless, I can prove that astrology is not absolute nonsense. Last week Jupiter’s positioning told me that my wealth status would change, and low and behold it did! I bought 4 packets of Chocolate Digestives and by the end of the week, I had less money. Hence, I have proven that astrology is completely reliable. As such, read on to find out what will happen to you this week based upon your chart. We are looking solely at your sun sign – i.e. the only one you non-believers (*cough* philistines *cough*) probably know.

Aries | 21 March – 19 April

You always dreamed of the many wondrous ways in which becoming a football fan might change your life. However, your attempts this past week have been annoying. Await a letter summoning you to an audience with The Council about you talking during half-time whilst people are trying for the love of God to listen to Ian Wright.

Taurus | 20 April – 20 May

This very week, hundreds of miles away, someone is squeezing a lemon. If you come across a lemon this week, squeeze it into the eyes of someone you dislike (probably a Gemini) and scream “TOTES AGREE” over and over again. How else could you be annoying?

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Instead of the stars, you figure out how to be a horrible person using an article from Glamour magazine that was released in 2012. Might I suggest using cow dung over your usual glasses?

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Gosh, you really like efficiency. However, this week you accidentally post the ransom note a day early and a former Chancellor of the Exchequer gets advanced notice that you are going to try to get a picture of his sword to send to his own newspaper. Well done. I applaud you.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will have an existential crisis when you can’t find anything to watch on Netflix. I suggest you try paying an extortionate amount of money for an alternative service.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You will perfect your drum routine using the pots and pans in your kitchen, and get invited to headline Glastonbury next year. If it happens. I won’t be coming if you are there unless Cynics is present.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Over the next week you will board an empty train carriage and dance around, only to realise that everyone in the adjacent First Class carriage is staring at you with their mouths open. You get invited by Simon Cowell to join Britain’s Got Talent. I am still the superior dancer.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The UK has extended its lockdown for a further four weeks, so you will celebrate heavily. For one more month you get to blame politicians for your failing relationship. The real reason you got pissed off for no reason halfway through your TV episode was that nightclubs won’t be open for another month, obviously. You will also overreact to minor things in your life, but I promise you that all will be ok. Nightclubs are still closed though.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will try your hand at something ever so slightly illegal because you have failed at everything else. You will fail yet again, but all hope is not lost. At least you weren’t caught, but you did light your trousers on fire whilst trying to smoke. Now they cover your kneecaps but not your crotch. I also have a suspicious feeling that your week will be over quicker than you think, because time flies by when your pants are alight.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will claim you are exotic after realising that you are part Danish. Does that make you a viking? Absolutely. Does that mean that you are horny? No, because ACTUALLY, vikings didn’t have horny helmets, ACTUALLY.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You will not win the lottery. But that is fine because your favourite source of astrological truth is free to read online at www.decablogs.com. I highly recommend it – the BBC has taken a fall from grace so the linked site is the pinnacle of British entertainment.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

If you are a man, you will get called an arsehole. If you are a woman, you will be told that you are amazing. In truth, all of you will trust clickbait and respond to a fake advertisement from Boris Johnson requesting the services of a mistress.

Astrology Calls You To Arms

I encourage you all to justify your poor behaviour this week with the positioning of Uranus on the day you were born. What else is astrology good for I hear you stupidly question? Also, follow our Instagram. Did I hear you ask if our social media is any good? Is a Saggitarius rising excessively egotistical to hide deep-rooted insecurities? (Yes). In fact, some might say that we are coming for Ronaldo’s crown. Last I checked we certainly aren’t far from his 300 million followers. I warned you all. Decablogs will be coming for Richard Branson next.

Astrology - A Picture of Uranus
Uranus

When Did I Ask?

May 21, 2021 / / 0 Comments

When did I ask? When did I ask you to interrupt my wonderfully articulated, musical speech with such a pointless question? It’s pretty obvious – I love my monologues, hence, well, the blog. So don’t flatter yourself: I am, after all, only speaking for my benefit.

21st May 2021

By Gavriel

Today marks a week since the last Decablogs release, and the few of you that have signed up to – or been signed up to without consent – the weekly newsletter will know why. Exams. Alas, every CEO Laird Chief Supreme High Archangel Esq (as Austin addresses me every time we speak) needs an outlet, and today such an outlet will be my blog.

Hulking Out

Truly, when did I ask? If anything ruffles my feathers it is those who find it appropriate to question why I am talking. The answer is obvious. No, it is not to appease your desire for all the useless knowledge which I possess. So when, and why, did you ask, and why am I rambling? You didn’t have to – I already adore the sound of my own voice. The true question is when did I ask you to speak? Don’t interrupt me and shut the hell up. I don’t care if the world ends because I am having my moment. Thank you.

When did you ask? When did you ask for this wonderful hammering of the philistines that walk this Earth constantly questioning why the hell I’m talking? You did not, but in response to all of you feigning that you do not in fact care about what I am saying, I am coming out guns blazing. When? Now.

When did I ask?

Ah, the classic. This one truly does make me quake in my boots. My hatred for this phrase is comparable to my ill-fitting trousers’ hatred of my socks. Unfortunately, whilst my trousers will likely never have the pleasure of meeting my socks, I have had the utmost displeasure in encountering too many of these people with brains dryer than asphalt after a year of intense drought. When in fact you thought my continued rambling was in response to your question, it was not. Rather, I very much enjoy the sound of my voice. So much so that when I cannot sleep I am oft found reciting Shakespearean soliloquies to cure my boredom.

What gave you the impression that I cared?

If I’m being honest, this one hurts. My usual retort: how did you gather from my continued speaking that I give a toss as to whether you care or not? Underneath, however, I am indeed crying. You see, I hold a very high opinion of myself and my ego is “as large as…” To think that there are people out there who don’t care for what I have to say hurts me. It hurts me to even think that people would so willingly blaspheme. Did you care what Jesus said? I thought so.

I am of course not comparing myself to Jesus, but I am a very important person and a somewhat decent blogger. Hence, you should care about what I have to say. Mike Allton didn’t, and look what happened to him. Do you want to get the same treatment as Austin gave him in his blog? Thought not.

David and Goliath

Why did you think that point was valid?

I am a learned blogger. At the ripe old age of two, I read the Biff and Chip books and it has been only up from there. At my current age, I find myself encountering far more smut than I would typically like, though that is beside the point. I am evidently of superior intellect, evidenced by my clash (and ensuing victory) with Big Mike, and am willing to take any other blog on the web. By extension, I am always right. So why did I think that my point was right? In true “history essay” fashion, it is because “evidence suggests that I am almost always right”.

Who asked?

I have reached the point of this blog where I am asking myself many existential questions. Who asked for me to write this? Why did I write this? Surely I have better things to be doing? Work perhaps? Not obsessing over effectively using rhetorical questions? Writing something serious perhaps? Maybe about my interview with a certain celebrity/politician for this very blog? Acquiring my daily hot chocolate from Pret before I run out of time?

The truest answer I can give, not to the rhetorical questions but to the question of “who asked” is as such: you did. Now, don’t pretend you didn’t preface your witty retort with a question, nor should you pretend that you don’t care about what information I have to share. Listening to your jokes is as painful as wading through thick, old, mucky treacle. Just delightful.

I guess the real question now becomes: “who did actually ask me to write this blog?” The answer – nobody, because I can do what I want. Like fire people, for example. Or tell Google to go away and stop suing us for copyright and spamming the website. Perhaps my attempts at trying that will be explored in a future blog. Until then, ask yourself: who asked you to read this? Because it was most likely me. I asked. That’s who.

When did I ask?
When did I ask? I don’t know, but I definitely did

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Quick shoutout to my friend Eliane who thinks she is so cool and constantly weaves these questions into our conversations. Eliane, as my guy William once said, I have no more faith in you than in a stewed prune. Perhaps it is because you are an alien. I’ll get Noah on that. His alien-hunting expertise is second to none.

Aliens Living Among Us

Your Vote Probably Matters

May 6, 2021 / / 5 Comments

To celebrate the holy London Mayoral Election Gavriel has dedicated an entire article to celebrating the best candidates. Featuring Count Binface, Lawrence Fox and Brian Rose, find out more about why your vote matters.

6th May 2021

By Gavriel

Ah, it is Election Day at last. Thursday 6th May was a date I had circled on my physical calendar for months, eagerly looking forward to this momentous election. My calendar, by the way, has a different picture of Brian Rose for every month: May, ironically enough, is the only one where he is not wearing his red tie but a bright red “mankini”. Or so I’m told – I have had the calendar flipped to May since I acquired it because why would I dare switch out that picture?

The Mayor of London is a very important role. With a rich, long, important history starting in 2000, the Mayor’s office has been occupied by some highly qualified baboons. There seems to be some genetic link between previous Mayors, and therefore whichever candidate gets the hereditary power to wrongly calculate and decide, much like Boris and Sadiq have over the last year, how long they wait until more people die. That is part of their manifestos, is it not? Lawrence Fox called the NHS ‘so sensitive it needs a round of applause just to finish work’ so if he becomes Mayor I’d put money on him letting as many people die as possible. 

Alas, here I am slandering a person advocating for free speech in my web-based blog. What sort of person does that make me? Well, I would like to encourage everyone who can to ensure they submit their vote for the Mayor of London today if they have not already. It is very, very important you do so. 

Why I hear you ask? The difficulty of today’s election is choosing between the amazing candidates. Fosh, Fox and the fantastic “Mr Foxy” Brian Rose all appear to be viable candidates for the Mayor’s office, yet they are not looking great in the polls. We must band together to rectify this. I shall henceforth propose my argument as to why you should vote for each.

Max Fosh has my vote. He appears to be intelligent, something which many of our previous Mayors have not impressed upon me. He is also amusing, in touch with the youth, learned and he took part in debating society. He can evidently organise things effectively, such as his famous debate with Lawrence Fox – the only lesson learnt from that is that Lawrence Fox is not as timely as you would like. He fulfils the posh bloke quota, yet he commands the respect of more than most. Who wouldn’t want a Mayor who is a confident speaker, a great organiser, and in touch with a significant proportion of the population?

Lawrence Fox is another perfect candidate, at least to the outside world. In London, admittedly, everyone is what the British like to call “a schmuck”. Therefore, by virtue Fox is the perfect candidate. Not only is he wholeheartedly a schmuck but he is the King of Schmucks. If any city in the world deserves to be ruled by a King, it is London, and Fox’s kingdom is essentially the entirety of London already. He truly is a terrible person who poses a threat to society, much like the guy sitting LITERALLY NEXT TO ME on the tube this morning. Talentless, nepotistic, and worldly-unwise, he is the definition of a Londoner. Also, he is advocating for free speech. I would very much like to keep my rights to that since it allows me to give him such charming compliments like ” he is a schmuck” and “Fox is a fascist meerkat”.

I met Brain Rose today, albeit from afar. Never before has a mayoral candidate been so excited by seeing a group of people that he proceeds to shout and wave with both harms punching the air as if he is Rocky or something. So, if I hadn’t already dedicated myself to Max Fosh I would have voted for him. He is, well, a man with youthful vigour.

Count Binface is an alien. Who wouldn’t vote for an alien? I can answer that. Anyone who voted for Fox, Fosh or Rose. He’s next in line, however. I mean, who even are the other candidates?

How To Write A Blog: A “Useful” Guide

May 3, 2021 / / 8 Comments

This, ladies and gentlemen and readers of this amazing blog and my fan club and my parents and family and friends who in truth are the only ones with the fatal desire to read my blogs, is how to write a blog.

3rd May 2021

By Gavriel

My Life Is Ending – How To Write A Blog

Last night I was, dare I say it, attempting to socialise. Granted, COVID may have impeded my already lacklustre social skills, but I could not help but endeavour into the murky depths of the WordPress app and take a sneaky peek at Decablogs-related stats. Yesterday we reached 369 views, a momentous achievement given that a website called Sacred Scribe Angel Numbers tells me that the number 369 is a message from my angels to “continue forth” (these things have to sound clever otherwise they lose their ounce of credibility). What am I continuing? My “soul mission”, obviously. Nonetheless, since a higher power (probably Mark Zuckerberg at this rate) has instructed me to continue on my path to fame, I shall demonstrate below how to write an amazing blog.

Disclaimer: not all of these points were taken off wikiHow

It all starts with a title

For example, the title which I have used is eye-catching and annoyingly broad, yet it caters to the perfect audience. Those people who have been pestered with endless reminders to read my blogs but never do, also known as my friends, might actually click on this one. Not because they have any care for my life ending but because I am quite an amusing hypochondriac. Additionally, those who despise me will click on this blog in the hopes that my life will actually end. I believe this is called “clickbait”. Always use clickbait.

Write a captivating opening

The wikiHow website had pictures for this one. Honestly, I couldn’t care less what the content of my blogs end up being, but for every click you click we get a nice stat and hopefully some dolla bills yo. As Julius Caesar once said, ‘click clickity click’.

Create the meat of the post

A prime example of this is a rib. A prime rib. See? Bad humour is the meat of every post. That and changing your mind about what you write about. A prime example (not again) is my starting this blog with the intention of complaining about spelling. Alas, I have not done as such. Oh well, as long as you clicked.

Wrapping up and editing

In conclusion, you have just read arguably the most useless blog on this website. Well, there is some contest for that spot, but I think I win. I am also the sole editor for blogs on this thing, so if there are errors it is for my large audience to spot and call me out. Perhaps my next blog could be all the spelling errors I have corrected. I like the sound of that. I also like the sound of cake, and whipped cream, and birds chirping at a reasonable hour whilst I am eating pancakes. Food. In wrapping up, it is important to go on some impossible-to-follow tangent. “For the bantz” of course. Why else?

Respond to comments

Decablogger Noah is perhaps the best at this. Check out his blogs and the comments sections. They are where all the action takes place. In the meantime, I shall respond to a comment made at the time of composing my initial musings for this blog.

[Unnamed humanoid]: Gavriel, get your mug back on camera. We are supposed to be having a conversation you know. Just because you can’t multitask doesn’t give you the excuse to IGNORE ME (note: this person often speaks in capital letters).

Me: Did you say something? Sorry I wasn’t listening.

[Unnamed humanoid]: Well listen then you plonker!

Me: No. (Note: I find myself funny, but I did end up listening because I am weak-willed)

This conversation actually happened. Even though my life is a joke (ooo self-burn, those are rare – best TV show that) that conversation was not fabricated. And on that note, I hope you enjoyed my eloquent nonsensical blog.

Insomnia Makes Me Batman

April 22, 2021 / / 0 Comments

22nd April 2021

By Gavriel

I am an insomniac. Why? Because I am a psychopath. I am also Batman. Read on to witness my uncannily brilliant attempt to justify my heinous crimes…

I am writing this post at 23:20 at night whilst listening to a playlist of One Direction and Eminem. I am not ready for bed. Many of my peers are insomniacs due to the addiction that is social media and our mobile phones, watching movies until 01:00 or engaging in nonsensical debates about football as every semblance of intelligence and wit renders itself useless. It is an unhealthy addiction. One which is probably damaging to the health of countless people. I am presently writing this on my laptop – the hypocrisy is real.

Why, then, would I possibly endorse being an insomniac? Given the lack of ad revenue this website is generating, it would be unwise to endorse anything without the promise of a large sum of money (hint, hint @richpeoplewithmoneytospare). I believe there is an article published by fellow decablogger Nilesh about the importance of sleep which I shall attach below. I by no means intend to discredit the numerous facts which Nilesh raises (and the size of a man’s penis which supposedly goes down with a lack of sleep), yet I still deprive myself of the recommended hours of sleep. Why?

Nilesh’s article: https://decablogs.com/sleep-mans-greatest-superpower/

There are various famous cases of insomniacs who are highly successful Homosapiens who have irregular sleeping patterns (don’t quote me on this though, some might be Neanderthals). The man who inspired mine was the late great Kobe Bryant. Kobe would wake up in the early hours (around 4am) to work out, thus maximising his opportunity to get stuff done during the day. By extending his working hours he was able to expand his commitments whilst spending more time on his craft. Kobe was the hardest worker in the history of basketball, and his resumé shows he was successful. Bruce Wayne, a.k.a Batman, utilises the Uberman sleep schedule, as did Nikola Tesla and Leonardo Da Vinci. This consists of taking 20-minute naps every 4 hours for a total of 3 hours of sleep a day.

The most successful modern entrepreneurs also get early starts with little sleep. Granted, many do not choose to work late into the evening, but Musk, Jobs and Clinton are amongst the most successful examples of people who got/get up around 6 hours of sleep a day, rising at 6 and going to sleep at midnight. Then again, Monica Lewinsky had to leave enough time after her curfew to sneak out of her mummy’s place to the White House so Clinton may have waited up for that reason. My pattern is not too dissimilar – because I don’t live in the White House, obviously, or do I…

I shan’t reveal my exact sleeping pattern (I intend on selling that once I’m rich and famous in a few months once this blog blows up – figuratively) but the premise is consistent. By sleeping less and working more I maximise the amount of work – i.e. hours of FIFA played – that I am capable of doing. Years of conditioning means I rarely feel the effects of exhaustion whilst working, so between the hours during which I wear my Thomas the Tank Engine pyjamas, I can be as productive as possible and get as much work done as possible. My overuse of similes in the previous sentence might suggest otherwise, but I swear my excessive desire to use mundane literary techniques is solely a reflection of my personality.

I didn’t really need to explain all of that, nor was there any remotely competent argument above, but I implore my gazillions of readers to consider the following: are we truly immortal until proven otherwise? (Sorry, too much TikTok). Instead, could we spend our time awake better, especially if we are awake ridiculously late already? As such I have fulfilled the promises outlined on the About Us section of the website: I have published my meandering digressions as a blog using my omnipotence as a man publishing blogs. “Big Brother Is Watching You” is the goal, but given that my meeting with Zuckerberg hasn’t been scheduled, the present attempt at a creepy message is: “Gavriel is hoping that you are reading his blogs”.

Many thanks to my amazing readers and have a week without any utopian dictatorships destroying your lives. Again, applications for a fanbase name welcomed in the comments.

Yours sleepily at just past midnight,

The Laird.

The Whole World Is Watching

April 14, 2021 / / 4 Comments

14th April 2021

By Gavriel

“The whole world is watching”. At least, that’s what the guy with the 14th Century plague mask said to me at the end of his bedtime story. I was wearing my Mickey Mouse pyjamas under my Superman covers so this did not scare me. Yet this, in part, is true. I do have a fairly large proportion of the world’s population reading my blog and I have no doubt my fanbase will only increase with this post. Feel free to comment below an apt name for my loyal fans (e.g. the Swifties for Taylor Swift, Firebreathers for Imagine Dragons).

Alas, I digress, the true reason for my title is not my enormous ego – for once – but the title of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier episode 4. I have watched this episode multiple times so far. Why, I hear you ask? Because I have no life. And because of this, my hours spent watching a singular TV episode means that my lovely readers can digest all I have learnt in a matter of minutes; I know y’all have lives so this will help you carry on with them.

I had many takeaways, most ended up in my stomach, but the voice in my head demanded that I talk about the marvellous acting in the fourth episode. I did a one-week acting camp coming away with a distinction in drama many years back so I am hence qualified.

(For anyone who has not noted my excruciating sarcasm so far, get used to it)

For starters, Sebastian Stan is amazing in every single way. That’s it. That’s the blog. Nay, I shall carry on and mention Seb’s (we are on nickname terms) acting during the flashback to Wakanda. When Ayo speaks the activation code accompanied by the Winter Soldier theme, Bucky’s face goes from fear to anger to bewilderment to relief. When Ayo first says, “you are free”, Bucky looks up at her, tears in his eyes, to check if she really did just say that. Stan’s face in the picture below really epitomises his superhuman ability to express all these emotions at once.

Our introduction to Wyatt Russell’s John Walker comes with two people filming him in the background. Walker began the series clean-shaven but by episode 4 he has a bit of scruff. Personally, I think my brew of bum fluff and straggly ginger hairs amidst a swarm of poorly placed darker spikes looks better, but each to their own. Walker is clearly tilting over the edge (I mean who grows their beard like that?!) and Russell exemplifies this through various subtle tics throughout the episode. I too have subtle twitches and a better beard than Walker… the shield should really be mine. Subtle touches of his forehead throughout the episode indicate that he has a migraine or something else messing with his head. Additionally, when the girl whom Zemo bribed with Swedish Delight (which seems to be a common theme in popular culture yet is quite frankly disgusting) leads them to Karli, right before the cut to a different shot Walker’s head jerks down to the right. Even in the background, Russell displays excellent acting skills. Tom Holland, please take note.

By contrast, in the funeral scene, there are loads of child actors. Cue this child looking creepily into the camera lens:

Walker’s face after his defeat at the hands of the Dora Milaje really shows his distress, setting up his actions later in the episode. “They weren’t even super soldiers” was a perfectly delivered line to end the scene.

During his fight with the Flagsmashers Walker constantly twitches. After throwing his shield into the wall he involuntarily shrugs his shoulders. Walker watches over a dead Hoskins with a bit of blood trickling from his ear suggesting a concussion, another injury to the brain. And lastly, to finish the episode off, Walker’s now-iconic pose with the bloody shield in his hand has all the world watching. What is more discrete to the eye, however, is Walker’s twitching right hand. His inner demons are now in control.

If there is one thing to take away from this it is that I deserve a change.com petition to make me the new Captain America. I am a master blogger, a semi-athletic person with just below average facial hair. I also have the costume within arms reach of my bed already, right next to my hulk gloves (one has to be safe). I also have a lot of homework to do, but if I can find time to write a blog I’m sure I can find the time to travel in luxury and do battle of course. My Battle of Hastings re-enactment on the first Sunday of every month takes precedence though of course. Have a moderately good week and don’t talk to any people walking around with below-par facial hair. They might kill you with a shield.

Who is the beloved Baron Helmut Zemo?

April 7, 2021 / / 3 Comments

7th April 2021

Warning: Spoilers

By Laird Gavriel

Baron Helmut Zemo, the new “Jimmy Woo” of the Falcon and the Winter Soldier series, is a character which for some reason not many know much about. Perhaps it was the distraction of Tom Holland and RDJ (there are others too) squaring off with Team Cap during Captain America: Civil War, but now the character is getting the recognition he deserves. Having masterminded the collapse of the Avengers, Zemo was held up in jail until Bucky orchestrated his escape pulling Zemo to the centre of our screens.

Zemo and I share one thing in common – two if you include the massive fanbase – and that is our aristocratic titles. Yes, I am a Laird. No, I am not Scottish. I also decline to admit that I spent £50 buying my title off of the internet. Zemo was born into an aristocratic family in Sokovia from which he inherited his title. Their death following the events of Age of Ultron – another Marvel movie people seem to forget – motivated his vengeance against the Avengers. His private jet and glorious collection of cars echoes his undeniable affluence though it is a shame that the Red Skull Car did not make an appearance.

At the start of the episode, Bucky asks Zemo what book he is reading. The answer? Machiavelli: author of The Prince and the father of manipulative and deceptive political ideology who popularised the idea of “the ends justify the means”. Zemo uses this to justify framing Bucky for the murder of King T’Chaka and the ensuing events of Civil War. Zemo is an expert on Hydra and the Super Soldier Programme, having destroyed the latter during Civil War, so his importance is recognised by Bucky. Who better to help fight Freedom Fighter Super Soldiers than a manipulative villain with a hatred for all things Avengers? 

Zemo is the former leader of Sokovian secret military elite unit EKO Scorpion. This military background is the source of his expert conniving and fighting skills. He acquired knowledge about Hydra from Vasily Karpov at the beginning of Civil War. Want anything done? Try robbery and torture. The acquisition of the Winter Soldier Book gave him control over Bucky, and after framing him for murder, Zemo gained access to the Winter Soldier by posing as psychiatrist Theo Broussard. After Zemo spoke the command words, Barnes broke out and gave Zemo information about the deaths of Howard and Maria Stark.

During the ensuing conflict over Bucky and the Sokovia Accords between the Avengers, Zemo travelled to Siberia to the base of the Winter Soldier Programme. He allowed a maid in Berlin to find the real Broussard’s corpse, allowing the Avengers to learn his identity and follow him to Siberia. Zemo killed the Super Soldiers in Siberia whilst waiting in a bunker for Iron Man, Cap and Bucky. Upon their arrival, protected by his bunker, Zemo revealed the dead soldiers and the video of Bucky killing Tony’s parents.

Zemo was then arrested by T’Challa before he could commit suicide and incarcerated. Everett Ross asked: “so, how does it feel? To spend all that time, all that effort and to see it fail so spectacularly?”. Zemo’s response: “Did it?”

This leaves us with a Zemo motivated by the destruction of the Super Solider and (maybe) willing to help Sam and Bucky. His dance moves bedazzled us all but are those enough? What is his new “ends” and how will he change the MCU? The book he reads is actually about the friendship between Machiavelli and Leonardo Da Vinci – is there a chance that Zemo has a hidden Da Vinci? Arnim Zola is a definite possibility given the insofar digital nature of The Powerbroker. Perhaps Zemo could orchestrate a Zola cameo. Zola’s obsession with the Super Soldier Serum and the perfect human form echoes Da Vinci definitely sets him up for an appearance in the series.

PS: If you want to buy yourself a title and be cool like me follow this link – https://www.highlandtitles.com

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