Tag: Editors' Picks

Aliens Living Among Us

Noah is fascinated by aliens and extra-terrestrial beings. As an inexperienced alien hunter he has sought to expose some of the most prevalent aliens in society: Mark Zuckerberg, Dominic Cummings and Matt Hancock.

11th May 2021

By Noah

For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated by the idea of aliens and extra-terrestrial beings. Conspiracy theories like Area 51 and Roswell are just so perplexingly interesting for me. Yes, I guess you could say I get very easily convinced by conspiracy theories just for the sheer fun of them, but what if aliens actually did live among us? What’s more, we wouldn’t even know if they did. That said, whilst some aliens living among us hide it excellently, there are those who do not hide well at all. Using my limited alien-hunting skills I very easily found three aliens living among us: Domonic Cummings, Mark Zuckerberg and Matt Hancock. Please go back to your home planet. We do not want you here. Other aliens might be exciting, but you are not. Go home. 

I’m sure I am not the only one to realise that these ‘men’ are clearly not ‘men’ at all, but in fact beings from other galaxies that are doing a very poor job of imitating humans, but for the avoidance of doubt, let me explain how I have come to this conclusion. 

Dominic Cummings

Appearance: Slightly weird. Can’t be pinpointed. Are his eyes a bit too close together?

Alien rating: 7/10

Human rating: 2/10 (editor’s note: the alien and human ratings don’t add up to 10 here because he is part troglodyte)

Alien planet: Cumming

The supposed mastermind behind Brexit is quite clearly slimy and green beneath his human-skin overcoat. There’s something about the way he wears glasses that suggests he either has mind control or x-ray vision. Evidence for the fact that his alien race is ‘Cumming’ is suggested in an interview where he begins with the phrase: ‘thank you for Cumming’. Perhaps this is a ‘Cumming’ greeting that begins all conversations? This is probably not dissimilar from saying grace before a meal or thanking Earth for a bountiful harvest. Of course, the name of this mysterious alien race is where he gets his ‘human’ surname from. Furthermore, it was in this very interview that Cummings apologised for breaking COVID regulations and driving to Durham. However, I have concluded that he was in fact trying to escape Earth. Only 20 miles from Durham, Tyneside is a small town where there have been numerous UFO sightings and it’s not very hard to connect the dots and realise that Cummings had something to do with these sightings. Spitting Image does an excellent job at conveying rather the same point as me. Cummings is clearly an evil alien genius. 

Mark Zuckerberg

Appearance: Not very similar to Jesse Eisenberg. He has the palest possible complexion known to man when in true alien form. 

Alien rating: 7/10

Human rating: 5/10

Alien planet: Brodo Asogi (same as E.T.)

Facebook is widely used and widely praised. However, inevitably, every silver lining has a cloud – the company’s owner and founder is an alien… Oh sweet, sweet Marky Mark. You did everything right (not really) until this photo of you surfing was released. If that even is a human ‘surfboard’ after all and not some alien device. You could have passed as slightly weird before this moment. But, here today, your fun studying the human race must come to an end as I have revealed your true identity. It was Facebook that allowed Zuckerberg to do this so brilliantly. With its creation, he can monitor over 2.7 billion people and learn from us as we continue to accept his “terms and conditions”. Are his intentions good or bad? I cannot say. Your only take away from this should be to perhaps read “terms and conditions” before immediately pressing accept in case you agree to offer your body as a human host for Zuckerberg.

By the way, check out Gavriel’s blogs which almost always shout out Zucky: one such one is “How To Write A Blog” at:

Matt Hancock

Appearance: Remarkably similar to the average 42-year-old male.

Alien rating: 1/10

Human rating: 1/10

Alien planet: Unknown

Look. Matt Hancock is a fairly normal guy who happens to be fairly terrible at his job. And, like Mark Zuckerberg, he wouldn’t be noticed as an alien if it was not for one slip up. In an interview with Wendy Maisey, Hancock stands just too close for any real human.

His intent, fixed, gaze on Maisey suggests that either he has never seen a woman before, or he has never been allowed this close to one. Pretty strange. His motives remain unknown, and in general, he remains under the radar. But I’m expecting this man to do something big soon… and something equally weird.  

By no means is this the vast extent of all the aliens living on Earth; these are simply the three that I have chosen to unveil. Furthermore, it was not my intention to challenge the giants of the social media world just as Austin did in his blog (linked below). My sole intention is to raise awareness about the possibility that your neighbour might not have the same sequence of DNA as you. 

Thanks for reading and a big “THANK YOU” to Mike Allton.

David and Goliath

8th May 2021

By Austin

In the biblical fashion of David and Goliath, Austin declares war on “Award Winning Social Media Blogger” Mike Allton. After some seriously aggressive tweets, the only thing that can save the Decablogs mothership is full-blown out-and-out cyber conflict. The thick, oozing beef is enough to make a vegetarian like Austin squirm.

Decablogs! The very word is an anagram of ‘sobcdealg’. The Headquarters of Blogging. The dozen or so pages of velvet prose nestling in the warm folds of the ‘.com’ universe. The blog (itself an anagram of ‘glob’) that is girlfriend, mistress, mother, casual boyfriend, sergeant major, nurse-maid, father-confessor and one-night stand all rolled into one. Decablogs means so much to so many.

However, between May 5th and May 7th 2021, a burning injustice was committed. Fellow Decablogger Gavriel set about some perfectly harmless, perfectly legal blog promotion on Twitter and was chewed up and spat out by a bigger boy, by the name of Mike Allton. I don’t want to call Mike a bully, a scoundrel, a good-for-nothing motionless fart because what would that achieve? But, what he said to Gavriel left the poor man in tears, trembling at the very thought of ever having to go on the internet ever again.

While deliberating over whether or not to write this post, I was in my shed. As I was sweating away with chisels and 6ft plywood planks, trying to recall the rudiments of year 7 woodworks, a friend called me and asked what the hell I thought I was doing. ‘I have a record player and nowhere to put it,’ I said, ‘and there comes a time when you need to make a stand.’ So a stand I intend to make.

The Events:

On the 5th of May, Mike Allton (or Big Mike as he shall henceforth be referred to) set about a little bit of – your friend and mine – online promotion. Unfortunately for him, he made the woeful miscalculation of thinking anyone was actually interested in his “Blogging Bootcamp”. His tweet ran as follows:

By all accounts, this is an entirely innocent tweet. Little was Gavriel, of this parish, to know that the moniker “Blogging Brute” plastered at the bottom of his promotion revealed such a core element of Big Mike’s character. At this point, though, we just felt sorry for him. Although we cannot claim to be an “Award Winning Social Media Blogger” like he does in his Twitter bio, we are perfectly acquainted with how it feels not to get any replies to a tweet (yes I am trying to guilt-trip you into following us on Twitter and by Timothy I think it’s working). So out of the goodness of his heart, Gavriel deigned it to reply, thusly:

Gavriel‘s reply above was in perfectly good humour, simply alerting Big Mike that he was not alone in the wilderness of the ‘.com’ universe and that we were there for him. From his reply, it was clear the sort of character we were dealing with. The bullish “Oh Man” says it all. This man is a Blogging Brute. The troll under the bridge spinning riddles so that small bloggers cannot pass. Well, Big Mike, I’d like to take you on a few points (if I may).

Firstly, your query “What do you actually write about?” would be quite easily answered by a quick click on the link that Gavriel was so kind to furnish you with below. Secondly, for someone who rather embarrassingly claims to be “Fluent in Star Wars”, perhaps you should get to grips with English first. Has it occurred to you that “[driving]” and “traffic” are virtually incompatible with one another? I’m not going to sit here and point out all the problems with your Twitter presence without offering a solution. I think you would benefit from writing into Agony Aunt, which by the way will be making a comeback if we hit our Instagram milestone – so go follow us NOW!

Gavriel‘s response below was perfectly poised to help out a clearly disgruntled Big Mike. In a manner we have all come to expect from Gavriel, he replied to Big Mike’s sarky retort with an arm around the shoulder. Gavriel‘s suggestion to “write about current events” was a great one, which I’m sure would help Big Mike drive the traffic of his dreams. If you haven’t already, read the blog Gavriel tagged below about the 2021 London Mayoral Election here.

Big Mike’s last reply says it all really. Before anything else, let it be known that Big Mike Himself, an “Award Winning Social Media Blogger”, thinks that Decablogs will last “years from now”. (Also, FYI, award-winning should be hyphenated. Pretty embarrassing for someone who claims to be an author your Twitter bio). However, the thing that angered us most, that ground our gears, that chafed our crack was what he said next.

“Damn, I was so out of line”.

“I was so out of line”.

“I”.

Mike, Mike, Mike.

I think there has been some sort of misunderstanding. There is no “I” in Decablogs. This is not some egotistical, sycophantic vanity project. No. Decablogs is a collective. More than that, we are principled. We stand up for the little guy, championing the plight of the common man. We seek to right the injustices that poison this hallowed internet, which we all hold so dear. But above all, we do not let brutes go unchecked.

For you, it would seem, blogging is about driving traffic and converting sales. Chasing profit and using others to further your own personal gain. But we Decabloggers see so much more in blogging. A platform for expression, to get voices heard, we are Decablogs. No amount of glibly uttered “Dude”s or “Damn”s can change that.

Those final words of Big Mike’s reply – “Good Luck” – were severely tinged. Any semblance of well-meaning sentiment was disgraced by the smug grin of his profile picture. I have only one more thing to say to Big Mike.

Dude. Years from now you’re going to think back on this thread and realise, “Damn, I really should have looked at my border policy to stop all my hair migrating to my chin.”

Good Luck Big Mike

Decablogs

All the best,

Austin

Mwah.

If you enjoyed this blog, stick it to the man and join the Decablogs movement. Follow our socials and share this post with anyone who will read it. Heck, send it to your nan if you feel like it. Don’t let Big Mike win. Feel free to weigh in on the matter in the comment section below!

Your Vote Probably Matters

To celebrate the holy London Mayoral Election Gavriel has dedicated an entire article to celebrating the best candidates. Featuring Count Binface, Lawrence Fox and Brian Rose, find out more about why your vote matters.

6th May 2021

By Gavriel

Ah, it is Election Day at last. Thursday 6th May was a date I had circled on my physical calendar for months, eagerly looking forward to this momentous election. My calendar, by the way, has a different picture of Brian Rose for every month: May, ironically enough, is the only one where he is not wearing his red tie but a bright red “mankini”. Or so I’m told – I have had the calendar flipped to May since I acquired it because why would I dare switch out that picture?

The Mayor of London is a very important role. With a rich, long, important history starting in 2000, the Mayor’s office has been occupied by some highly qualified baboons. There seems to be some genetic link between previous Mayors, and therefore whichever candidate gets the hereditary power to wrongly calculate and decide, much like Boris and Sadiq have over the last year, how long they wait until more people die. That is part of their manifestos, is it not? Lawrence Fox called the NHS ‘so sensitive it needs a round of applause just to finish work’ so if he becomes Mayor I’d put money on him letting as many people die as possible. 

Alas, here I am slandering a person advocating for free speech in my web-based blog. What sort of person does that make me? Well, I would like to encourage everyone who can to ensure they submit their vote for the Mayor of London today if they have not already. It is very, very important you do so. 

Why I hear you ask? The difficulty of today’s election is choosing between the amazing candidates. Fosh, Fox and the fantastic “Mr Foxy” Brian Rose all appear to be viable candidates for the Mayor’s office, yet they are not looking great in the polls. We must band together to rectify this. I shall henceforth propose my argument as to why you should vote for each.

Max Fosh has my vote. He appears to be intelligent, something which many of our previous Mayors have not impressed upon me. He is also amusing, in touch with the youth, learned and he took part in debating society. He can evidently organise things effectively, such as his famous debate with Lawrence Fox – the only lesson learnt from that is that Lawrence Fox is not as timely as you would like. He fulfils the posh bloke quota, yet he commands the respect of more than most. Who wouldn’t want a Mayor who is a confident speaker, a great organiser, and in touch with a significant proportion of the population?

Lawrence Fox is another perfect candidate, at least to the outside world. In London, admittedly, everyone is what the British like to call “a schmuck”. Therefore, by virtue Fox is the perfect candidate. Not only is he wholeheartedly a schmuck but he is the King of Schmucks. If any city in the world deserves to be ruled by a King, it is London, and Fox’s kingdom is essentially the entirety of London already. He truly is a terrible person who poses a threat to society, much like the guy sitting LITERALLY NEXT TO ME on the tube this morning. Talentless, nepotistic, and worldly-unwise, he is the definition of a Londoner. Also, he is advocating for free speech. I would very much like to keep my rights to that since it allows me to give him such charming compliments like ” he is a schmuck” and “Fox is a fascist meerkat”.

I met Brain Rose today, albeit from afar. Never before has a mayoral candidate been so excited by seeing a group of people that he proceeds to shout and wave with both harms punching the air as if he is Rocky or something. So, if I hadn’t already dedicated myself to Max Fosh I would have voted for him. He is, well, a man with youthful vigour.

Count Binface is an alien. Who wouldn’t vote for an alien? I can answer that. Anyone who voted for Fox, Fosh or Rose. He’s next in line, however. I mean, who even are the other candidates?

Fan Channels: A vector of support or money-hungry attention seekers?

“When is it gonna end, Robbie?”

“Maupay you’re a cheat and I hope Brighton get relegated.”

These are just a handful of iconic moments that have emerged as a result of the emergence of the fan channel era. Without a doubt, these off-the-cuff and reactionary post-match reviews have been the source of laughter amongst surrounding football fans. But is this new wave of fandom and punditry causing more harm than good?

In a recent debate hosted by Talksport, Arsenal legend Ray Parlour boldly claimed that Robbie Lyle (owner of AFTV YouTube channel) prefers when Arsenal lose as AFTV gets more views. The logic behind this statement is that rival fans enjoy watching an AFTV meltdown postgame following a loss. The statistics do not support this statement. In Arsenal’s recent FA cup victory, AFTV received a staggering 1.3 million, whereas in Arsenal’s iconic last-minute loss to Brighton, in which member Ty uttered those famous words into existence (“Maupay you’re a cheat and I hope Brighton get relegated”) received a mere 633,000 in comparison. These baseless claims from Ray Parlour have a hint of irony, as he is an employee of Talksport, a radio show that feeds off reactionary phone-in sessions in which supporters express their anguish and immediate frustration postgame.

The arrival of fan channels has most certainly given a more prominent voice for football fans. This has further been supported by the constant development of social media and other technological platforms. The United Stand, a YouTube channel owned by Mark Goldbridge, has recently surpassed the 1 million subscriber mark. In short, this is one hell of an achievement, especially considering that the channel is barely 6 years old. The influence of this channel on the views of Manchester United fans worldwide is visible from the recent protests against the Manchester United ownership. Fans forced their way into Old Trafford and caused chaos, and even managed to get their game Vs Liverpool postponed due to their effort in getting their message across. These views have been amplified by The United Stand, in which their displeasure is expressed, as they believe that the Glazer family (Manchester United owners) are not fully committed to the expansion of the club, and treat the club more as a profitable business than a football club.

However, it is not all sunny on the part of fan channels. Claims of abuse directed at the players of each respected club are not entirely false. This was perhaps most prominent in the case of Granit Xhaka. The majority of you reading this article must be aware of the instance in which Granit Xhaka received boos from fans in the Emirates during a game vs Crystal Palace. The Arsenal midfielder responded to this by taking off his Arsenal top in an act of rebellion. Arsenal fans did not take kindly to this gesture, and AFTV, in principle, slated Granit Xhaka. Following these insults led by AFTV, Granit Xhaka’s social media pages were flooded with abuse to the point where he revealed that he had received death threats from certain “fans”. Of course, this is not exclusively just AFTV causing this inhumane behaviour. Multiple footballers have received racial and social media abuse. In response to this growing wave of abuse, certain Premier League football clubs and footballers have decided to boycott social media from 30th April-4th May.

In summary, fan channels are an interesting addition to the world of football. Without a doubt, they are having an increasing influence on the decision making of clubs – you only need to look as far as the 48-hour abolishment of the European Super League. Fan involvement within the sphere of football is broadening, and this is being abetted by the increase in interaction through social media. Of course, fan channels are far from perfect, and the persistent abuse of players signals this, but I truly believe they demonstrate an improvement in the perception of our beautiful game.

Clerks

27th April 2021

By Devin

Clerks is a 1994 buddy comedy film that was written, directed, and co-produced by Kevin Smith. Considering that the budget was kept to $27,575 by certain cost-cutting techniques such as using stores where Kevin Smith worked in real life and shooting in a cheaper black and white film, a gross of $3 million in theatres is very impressive. Rightfully, it has become a cult classic and a notable landmark in Indie films, mainly due to the fact that Kevin Smith maxed out five credit cards to fund this film, showing and inspiring determination and love for cinema.

It follows Dante Hicks and Randal Graves, two clerks (hence the name) throughout a single day after Dante is called into work on a Saturday. The most notable concept of this film is that it hooks you with X rated and dark humour while appealing to your emotions with Dante’s complicated romantic relationships and his deep philosophical discussion with Randal about the philosophy of being a clerk and whether he should improve his life. Despite the inherent randomness of the film, which is cut up into chapters each starting with a different title, these two strands interweave at key moments in seamless ways.

While the characters, themes and plot of the film are very solid, I can understand why some people would not enjoy the film considering its niche and dark humour. The directness and explicitness of the humour in the film will make some people laugh out loud and others shake their heads in embarrassment. I would recommend watching this film with a crowd of people who you know have this type of humour.

In conclusion, this is a very humorous and interesting film that is considered a staple in cinematic history, as indicated by the fact that in 2019 it was selected for preservation in the National Film Registry by the Library of Congress. However, I recommend choosing very carefully who you watch this with.

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