I like to blame everything on astrology. Why am I a bellend? Probably because of the date and time of my birth. Read on to see an indecisive Libra attempt to write a blog predicting what will happen to each star sign over the next week.
21st June 2021
Do you believe astrology is absolute horse crap? Probably. My question to you is: what Hogwarts house are you in? Nonetheless, I can prove that astrology is not absolute nonsense. Last week Jupiter’s positioning told me that my wealth status would change, and low and behold it did! I bought 4 packets of Chocolate Digestives and by the end of the week, I had less money. Hence, I have proven that astrology is completely reliable. As such, read on to find out what will happen to you this week based upon your chart. We are looking solely at your sun sign – i.e. the only one you non-believers (*cough* philistines *cough*) probably know.
Aries | 21 March – 19 April
You always dreamed of the many wondrous ways in which becoming a football fan might change your life. However, your attempts this past week have been annoying. Await a letter summoning you to an audience with The Council about you talking during half-time whilst people are trying for the love of God to listen to Ian Wright.
Taurus | 20 April – 20 May
This very week, hundreds of miles away, someone is squeezing a lemon. If you come across a lemon this week, squeeze it into the eyes of someone you dislike (probably a Gemini) and scream “TOTES AGREE” over and over again. How else could you be annoying?
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Instead of the stars, you figure out how to be a horrible person using an article from Glamour magazine that was released in 2012. Might I suggest using cow dung over your usual glasses?
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Gosh, you really like efficiency. However, this week you accidentally post the ransom note a day early and a former Chancellor of the Exchequer gets advanced notice that you are going to try to get a picture of his sword to send to his own newspaper. Well done. I applaud you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will have an existential crisis when you can’t find anything to watch on Netflix. I suggest you try paying an extortionate amount of money for an alternative service.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will perfect your drum routine using the pots and pans in your kitchen, and get invited to headline Glastonbury next year. If it happens. I won’t be coming if you are there unless Cynics is present.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Over the next week you will board an empty train carriage and dance around, only to realise that everyone in the adjacent First Class carriage is staring at you with their mouths open. You get invited by Simon Cowell to join Britain’s Got Talent. I am still the superior dancer.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The UK has extended its lockdown for a further four weeks, so you will celebrate heavily. For one more month you get to blame politicians for your failing relationship. The real reason you got pissed off for no reason halfway through your TV episode was that nightclubs won’t be open for another month, obviously. You will also overreact to minor things in your life, but I promise you that all will be ok. Nightclubs are still closed though.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will try your hand at something ever so slightly illegal because you have failed at everything else. You will fail yet again, but all hope is not lost. At least you weren’t caught, but you did light your trousers on fire whilst trying to smoke. Now they cover your kneecaps but not your crotch. I also have a suspicious feeling that your week will be over quicker than you think, because time flies by when your pants are alight.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will claim you are exotic after realising that you are part Danish. Does that make you a viking? Absolutely. Does that mean that you are horny? No, because ACTUALLY, vikings didn’t have horny helmets, ACTUALLY.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will not win the lottery. But that is fine because your favourite source of astrological truth is free to read online at www.decablogs.com. I highly recommend it – the BBC has taken a fall from grace so the linked site is the pinnacle of British entertainment.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
If you are a man, you will get called an arsehole. If you are a woman, you will be told that you are amazing. In truth, all of you will trust clickbait and respond to a fake advertisement from Boris Johnson requesting the services of a mistress.
Astrology Calls You To Arms
I encourage you all to justify your poor behaviour this week with the positioning of Uranus on the day you were born. What else is astrology good for I hear you stupidly question? Also, follow our Instagram. Did I hear you ask if our social media is any good? Is a Saggitarius rising excessively egotistical to hide deep-rooted insecurities? (Yes). In fact, some might say that we are coming for Ronaldo’s crown. Last I checked we certainly aren’t far from his 300 million followers. I warned you all. Decablogs will be coming for Richard Branson next.