This, ladies and gentlemen and readers of this amazing blog and my fan club and my parents and family and friends who in truth are the only ones with the fatal desire to read my blogs, is how to write a blog.
3rd May 2021
My Life Is Ending – How To Write A Blog
Last night I was, dare I say it, attempting to socialise. Granted, COVID may have impeded my already lacklustre social skills, but I could not help but endeavour into the murky depths of the WordPress app and take a sneaky peek at Decablogs-related stats. Yesterday we reached 369 views, a momentous achievement given that a website called Sacred Scribe Angel Numbers tells me that the number 369 is a message from my angels to “continue forth” (these things have to sound clever otherwise they lose their ounce of credibility). What am I continuing? My “soul mission”, obviously. Nonetheless, since a higher power (probably Mark Zuckerberg at this rate) has instructed me to continue on my path to fame, I shall demonstrate below how to write an amazing blog.
Disclaimer: not all of these points were taken off wikiHow
It all starts with a title
For example, the title which I have used is eye-catching and annoyingly broad, yet it caters to the perfect audience. Those people who have been pestered with endless reminders to read my blogs but never do, also known as my friends, might actually click on this one. Not because they have any care for my life ending but because I am quite an amusing hypochondriac. Additionally, those who despise me will click on this blog in the hopes that my life will actually end. I believe this is called “clickbait”. Always use clickbait.
Write a captivating opening
The wikiHow website had pictures for this one. Honestly, I couldn’t care less what the content of my blogs end up being, but for every click you click we get a nice stat and hopefully some dolla bills yo. As Julius Caesar once said, ‘click clickity click’.
Create the meat of the post
A prime example of this is a rib. A prime rib. See? Bad humour is the meat of every post. That and changing your mind about what you write about. A prime example (not again) is my starting this blog with the intention of complaining about spelling. Alas, I have not done as such. Oh well, as long as you clicked.
Wrapping up and editing
In conclusion, you have just read arguably the most useless blog on this website. Well, there is some contest for that spot, but I think I win. I am also the sole editor for blogs on this thing, so if there are errors it is for my large audience to spot and call me out. Perhaps my next blog could be all the spelling errors I have corrected. I like the sound of that. I also like the sound of cake, and whipped cream, and birds chirping at a reasonable hour whilst I am eating pancakes. Food. In wrapping up, it is important to go on some impossible-to-follow tangent. “For the bantz” of course. Why else?
Respond to comments
Decablogger Noah is perhaps the best at this. Check out his blogs and the comments sections. They are where all the action takes place. In the meantime, I shall respond to a comment made at the time of composing my initial musings for this blog.
[Unnamed humanoid]: Gavriel, get your mug back on camera. We are supposed to be having a conversation you know. Just because you can’t multitask doesn’t give you the excuse to IGNORE ME (note: this person often speaks in capital letters).
Me: Did you say something? Sorry I wasn’t listening.
[Unnamed humanoid]: Well listen then you plonker!
Me: No. (Note: I find myself funny, but I did end up listening because I am weak-willed)
This conversation actually happened. Even though my life is a joke (ooo self-burn, those are rare – best TV show that) that conversation was not fabricated. And on that note, I hope you enjoyed my eloquent nonsensical blog.
- Moby Dick: The Most Interesting and Boring Book*
- Debt: A New Form of IMF Imperialism
- Old School Hip Hopkins
- The K-Pop Trainee System – Interest of the Week
- Loki Episode 6 – For All Time. Always