Category: Witty

Old School Hip Hopkins

Austin returns with more of his witty insights and off-key remarks, this time on the deportation of Katie Hopkins from Australia. Austin offers a potted history of Hopkins’ run-ins with just about ever faction of society and looks at what her future might hold.

By Austin

The Hopkins Headlines

Everyone’s favourite bigoted, racist, fat-shaming fool Katie Hopkins is to be deported from Australia for bragging about flouting hotel quarantine rules. That’s right, you heard me correctly; in the midst of a global pandemic, with millions dying each day, Hopkins shared an Instagram video of her in Sydney joking about putting frontline staff at risk.

Even by Hopkins’ standards, this is disgusting. However, given Hopkins’ track record, this will not come as a surprise to anyone.

Hopkins was in Sydney as a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother Australia. Since the footage she posted on Friday, her television contract was terminated after she breached visa conditions and brought the Seven Network into disrepute.

Australia’s Deputy Prime Minister, Barnaby Joyce, was not helping any of the Australian stereotypes when he commented:

Hopkins deported - comments from Barnaby Joyce
Barnaby Joyce

“I’ve got no problem sending home someone who wants to flout our laws. You want to flout our laws, then you pack your bongo and get out of the country.”

BARNABY JOYCE, AUSTRALIA’S DEPUTY PM

It would seem the Katie Hopkins’ bongo is not helping her to drum up any positive support (ba-doom-tsss). Her actions have been met with widespread condemnation and caused a great deal of pain to a great many people.

Hopkins and the Australian Celebrity Visa

Katie Hopkins is just one of a string of celebrities who have touched down in Australia during the pandemic. Zac Efron was the first, then Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Julia Roberts and George Clooney just to name a few. It would seem that amid the pandemic, Hollywood best and brightest are fleeing down under to what they see as a Covid-free idyll.

Celebrity sightings in Australia (“Aussiewood”) have skyrocketed

In a country that has largely eradicated the virus, celebrities arriving are free to enjoy beaches, bars and nightclubs at their whim, all thanks to their celebrity visas.

Most of the celebrities are allowed entry to the country for work, with a view to stimulating Australia’s economy. The Australian government have used generous tax breaks to tempt over major film productions, like the next Thor film.

However, to many Australians, this is a kick in the teeth. While yes, there has been a dramatic increasing in celebrity sightings in what has been dubbed “Aussiewood”, there are still 40,000 Australian nationals that have been stranded overseas since the country shut its borders a year ago.

With Australians camped outside Heathrow and other major airports around the globe, Katie Hopkins’ remarks have highlighted the sheer hypocrisy of the Australian celebrity visa system. She has cemented any previous accusations of different treatment for the rich and famous compared to ordinary people.

Is this a first from Hopkins?

The short answer is, no. This is the woman who called immigrants “cockroaches”; the woman who said dementia patients shouldn’t be allowed to “block” up hospital beds; the woman who was prevented from leaving South Africa in 2018 for spreading “racial hatred”. The Mirror had the ingenious idea of blaming her racial hate speech on her having taken ketamine (Hopkins sued).

With someone as consistently outrageous as Katie Hopkins, some of her biggest offences often get swept under the carpet. So, because I am such a lovely person, I thought I’d compile some of her worst outbursts. In no particular order:

Manchester Bombings

Following the Manchester Arena bombings in 2017, a whole host of celebrity and media figures gathered around the city to show support to victims and their families. Katie, however, had other ideas.

She jumped on the event as an opportunity to spread Islamophobic hate speech, declaring that the country needed a “final solution” to terrorism. After the comment had reached the Metropolitan Police, she claimed the comment was a typo, and that she meant to say a “true solution”.

Hopkins on Muslim families

It would seem Hopkins has a penchant for Islamophobia. In December 2017, Hopkins was forced to apologise to the Mahmood family for completely arbitrarily calling them extremists. Hopkins thought she knew better than the US Border Force and published a story in the Daily Mail claiming that the reason they were denied entry to the US to go to Disneyland was because they were terrorists.

To make such an accusation with no evidence shows Hopkins up for the nasty piece of work she really is. Whatsmore, the Daily Mail were forced to pay out £150,000 in libel charges, so they were fuming as well (poor Jonathan Harmsworth boo hoo!).

Gaining and then losing weight

As part of the career-long war she has been waging against the overweight, Hopkins produced a documentary in 2014 in which she gained and then lost weight. She claimed that fat people were nothing but lazy. She said that she could not ever employ a fat person because “they look lazy”. God only knows what sort of opinions she holds on meal deals.

In a sneering, exclusively derogatory tone, the documentary (if you can even call it that) saw her put on three stone before losing it again. If you can move past the abhorrent prejudices that plague the footage, there are some frankly hilarious scenes where Hopkins attempts to act.

Hopkins on baby names

Probably her most famous comment was on baby names on ITV’s This Morning. She told presenters Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby that “you can tell a great deal from a name”. She went on to say that she would not allow her children to play with lower class children with names like Tyler or Chardonnay.

“For me, a name is a shortcut of finding out what class a child comes from and makes me ask: “Do I want my children to play with them? When I hear screeched across the playground: “Tyler! Come back ‘ere.” It’s the Tylers, the Charmains the Chantelles, the Chardonnays.”

Katie Hopkins, ITV’s This Morning, 2013

After admitting that she judges children based on their names, she reeled of a long spiel about her deep-rooted hatred of children with geographical names. It was then pointed out that one of her own children was called India. Needless to say, Schofield and Willoughby had the last laugh. (The first person to tell this reference is in the decablogs instagram dms wins an extra special prize!)

Conclusion

Katie Hopkins has made a career out of spouting drivel, yak and blether. Her abhorrent remarks, which the BBC has rather politely called “right-wing commentary” have landed a great deal of attention of social media platforms. And, despite being banned from Twitter, she continues to haunt news headlines.

Her cockup in explaining her philosohpy on baby names, I believe, show us what here raison d’etre really is. Her half-baked beliefs are contradictory and massively offences – they deserve no place in 21st-century society. Yet, it is by angering people that she remains in the limelight. She was being ratioed before there was a word for it. A beacon of hate, she radiates her cancerous opinions with the sole aim of accruing wealth and infamy.

From her earliest days as a contestant on The Apprentice UK in 2007, she has been followed by a wake of allegations and court cases. This blog is exactly the anger her comments are designed to provoke. One of the joys of writing for a blog that only has three or so readers is that I can write like without furthering her career.

I’d like to finish with a fun fact about Katie Hopkins. As it stands, Katie is the only person to have won the Campaign to Unify The Nation (CUNT) lifetime achievement award.

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this blog, check out some of our other posts, or get in touch via instagram.

P.S. Put your favourite Katie Hopkins quotes in the comments below.

The Decablogs Sham-ifesto

We just beat Google. Now we can topple governments. Next, we can achieve world domination. First, however, we need our own manifesto. Introducing the Decablogs Sham-ifesto!

18th June 2021

Why a Sham-ifesto?

All serious organisations have manifestos. The Monster Raving Loony Party, Boris Johnson’s Conservatives, the Union of Goggle-Wearing Non-Swimmers, to name a few. So, in the wake of our victory over Google, we have decided that we are a serious organisation. What better way to establish ourselves than to create a Sham-ifesto and outline our aims for the next quintillion years?

Following a brief hiatus, our first meeting back, as always, descended into a frenzy. But, from the squawking and quacking emerged a plan; like a Phoenix from the ashes rose the Decablogs Sham-ifesto.

Now, in true Boris Johnson fashion, we can make vague promises which we likely won’t keep about what we will be up to in the coming months. 

The Sham-ifesto

We pledge to:

  1. Publish absolute nonsense purely for entertainment reasons with unwavering conviction to slander
  2. Get sued by – and then beat – Google at least once a month
  3. Release new content on all days that end in a ‘y’ – we are German speakers when we want to be from henceforth
  4. Measure groundswell with a slurry of truly pointless polls on our social media stories every single day
  5. Annoy enrich you all with endless emails and shameless attempts at publicising Decablogs
  6. Avoid the use of full stops at the end of bullet points and numbered lists in order to sustain the sanity of ourselves and our readers
  7. Make a complete mockery of this Sham-ifesto at every given opportunity.
  8. Reach the number 9 in every list we make
  9. Numbered like iPhones, we want these Sham-ifesto promises to be treated like iPhones; discarded each year to appear only in CEX shop windows 

Introducing Decablogs Parliament

Lastly, introducing our newest feature! If you have any issues regarding absolutely anything, pop us an email. Title the subject “Parliament” and include an offence and a proposed punishment/solution in the email, and we will deliberate over the matter with intense scrutiny and give you our verdict. Should your issue be taken to a court of law? Probably not, but it will receive either an email or a blog post in response.

Our email is decablogs10@gmail.com

P.S. Keep it PG if you want it to go on the website.

B. Irish Decablogs Clogs for the Sham-ifesto
B. Irish

David and Goliath

8th May 2021

By Austin

In the biblical fashion of David and Goliath, Austin declares war on “Award Winning Social Media Blogger” Mike Allton. After some seriously aggressive tweets, the only thing that can save the Decablogs mothership is full-blown out-and-out cyber conflict. The thick, oozing beef is enough to make a vegetarian like Austin squirm.

Decablogs! The very word is an anagram of ‘sobcdealg’. The Headquarters of Blogging. The dozen or so pages of velvet prose nestling in the warm folds of the ‘.com’ universe. The blog (itself an anagram of ‘glob’) that is girlfriend, mistress, mother, casual boyfriend, sergeant major, nurse-maid, father-confessor and one-night stand all rolled into one. Decablogs means so much to so many.

However, between May 5th and May 7th 2021, a burning injustice was committed. Fellow Decablogger Gavriel set about some perfectly harmless, perfectly legal blog promotion on Twitter and was chewed up and spat out by a bigger boy, by the name of Mike Allton. I don’t want to call Mike a bully, a scoundrel, a good-for-nothing motionless fart because what would that achieve? But, what he said to Gavriel left the poor man in tears, trembling at the very thought of ever having to go on the internet ever again.

While deliberating over whether or not to write this post, I was in my shed. As I was sweating away with chisels and 6ft plywood planks, trying to recall the rudiments of year 7 woodworks, a friend called me and asked what the hell I thought I was doing. ‘I have a record player and nowhere to put it,’ I said, ‘and there comes a time when you need to make a stand.’ So a stand I intend to make.

The Events:

On the 5th of May, Mike Allton (or Big Mike as he shall henceforth be referred to) set about a little bit of – your friend and mine – online promotion. Unfortunately for him, he made the woeful miscalculation of thinking anyone was actually interested in his “Blogging Bootcamp”. His tweet ran as follows:

By all accounts, this is an entirely innocent tweet. Little was Gavriel, of this parish, to know that the moniker “Blogging Brute” plastered at the bottom of his promotion revealed such a core element of Big Mike’s character. At this point, though, we just felt sorry for him. Although we cannot claim to be an “Award Winning Social Media Blogger” like he does in his Twitter bio, we are perfectly acquainted with how it feels not to get any replies to a tweet (yes I am trying to guilt-trip you into following us on Twitter and by Timothy I think it’s working). So out of the goodness of his heart, Gavriel deigned it to reply, thusly:

Gavriel‘s reply above was in perfectly good humour, simply alerting Big Mike that he was not alone in the wilderness of the ‘.com’ universe and that we were there for him. From his reply, it was clear the sort of character we were dealing with. The bullish “Oh Man” says it all. This man is a Blogging Brute. The troll under the bridge spinning riddles so that small bloggers cannot pass. Well, Big Mike, I’d like to take you on a few points (if I may).

Firstly, your query “What do you actually write about?” would be quite easily answered by a quick click on the link that Gavriel was so kind to furnish you with below. Secondly, for someone who rather embarrassingly claims to be “Fluent in Star Wars”, perhaps you should get to grips with English first. Has it occurred to you that “[driving]” and “traffic” are virtually incompatible with one another? I’m not going to sit here and point out all the problems with your Twitter presence without offering a solution. I think you would benefit from writing into Agony Aunt, which by the way will be making a comeback if we hit our Instagram milestone – so go follow us NOW!

Gavriel‘s response below was perfectly poised to help out a clearly disgruntled Big Mike. In a manner we have all come to expect from Gavriel, he replied to Big Mike’s sarky retort with an arm around the shoulder. Gavriel‘s suggestion to “write about current events” was a great one, which I’m sure would help Big Mike drive the traffic of his dreams. If you haven’t already, read the blog Gavriel tagged below about the 2021 London Mayoral Election here.

Big Mike’s last reply says it all really. Before anything else, let it be known that Big Mike Himself, an “Award Winning Social Media Blogger”, thinks that Decablogs will last “years from now”. (Also, FYI, award-winning should be hyphenated. Pretty embarrassing for someone who claims to be an author your Twitter bio). However, the thing that angered us most, that ground our gears, that chafed our crack was what he said next.

“Damn, I was so out of line”.

“I was so out of line”.

“I”.

Mike, Mike, Mike.

I think there has been some sort of misunderstanding. There is no “I” in Decablogs. This is not some egotistical, sycophantic vanity project. No. Decablogs is a collective. More than that, we are principled. We stand up for the little guy, championing the plight of the common man. We seek to right the injustices that poison this hallowed internet, which we all hold so dear. But above all, we do not let brutes go unchecked.

For you, it would seem, blogging is about driving traffic and converting sales. Chasing profit and using others to further your own personal gain. But we Decabloggers see so much more in blogging. A platform for expression, to get voices heard, we are Decablogs. No amount of glibly uttered “Dude”s or “Damn”s can change that.

Those final words of Big Mike’s reply – “Good Luck” – were severely tinged. Any semblance of well-meaning sentiment was disgraced by the smug grin of his profile picture. I have only one more thing to say to Big Mike.

Dude. Years from now you’re going to think back on this thread and realise, “Damn, I really should have looked at my border policy to stop all my hair migrating to my chin.”

Good Luck Big Mike

Decablogs

All the best,

Austin

Mwah.

If you enjoyed this blog, stick it to the man and join the Decablogs movement. Follow our socials and share this post with anyone who will read it. Heck, send it to your nan if you feel like it. Don’t let Big Mike win. Feel free to weigh in on the matter in the comment section below!

How To Write A Blog: A “Useful” Guide

This, ladies and gentlemen and readers of this amazing blog and my fan club and my parents and family and friends who in truth are the only ones with the fatal desire to read my blogs, is how to write a blog.

3rd May 2021

By Gavriel

My Life Is Ending – How To Write A Blog

Last night I was, dare I say it, attempting to socialise. Granted, COVID may have impeded my already lacklustre social skills, but I could not help but endeavour into the murky depths of the WordPress app and take a sneaky peek at Decablogs-related stats. Yesterday we reached 369 views, a momentous achievement given that a website called Sacred Scribe Angel Numbers tells me that the number 369 is a message from my angels to “continue forth” (these things have to sound clever otherwise they lose their ounce of credibility). What am I continuing? My “soul mission”, obviously. Nonetheless, since a higher power (probably Mark Zuckerberg at this rate) has instructed me to continue on my path to fame, I shall demonstrate below how to write an amazing blog.

Disclaimer: not all of these points were taken off wikiHow

It all starts with a title

For example, the title which I have used is eye-catching and annoyingly broad, yet it caters to the perfect audience. Those people who have been pestered with endless reminders to read my blogs but never do, also known as my friends, might actually click on this one. Not because they have any care for my life ending but because I am quite an amusing hypochondriac. Additionally, those who despise me will click on this blog in the hopes that my life will actually end. I believe this is called “clickbait”. Always use clickbait.

Write a captivating opening

The wikiHow website had pictures for this one. Honestly, I couldn’t care less what the content of my blogs end up being, but for every click you click we get a nice stat and hopefully some dolla bills yo. As Julius Caesar once said, ‘click clickity click’.

Create the meat of the post

A prime example of this is a rib. A prime rib. See? Bad humour is the meat of every post. That and changing your mind about what you write about. A prime example (not again) is my starting this blog with the intention of complaining about spelling. Alas, I have not done as such. Oh well, as long as you clicked.

Wrapping up and editing

In conclusion, you have just read arguably the most useless blog on this website. Well, there is some contest for that spot, but I think I win. I am also the sole editor for blogs on this thing, so if there are errors it is for my large audience to spot and call me out. Perhaps my next blog could be all the spelling errors I have corrected. I like the sound of that. I also like the sound of cake, and whipped cream, and birds chirping at a reasonable hour whilst I am eating pancakes. Food. In wrapping up, it is important to go on some impossible-to-follow tangent. “For the bantz” of course. Why else?

Respond to comments

Decablogger Noah is perhaps the best at this. Check out his blogs and the comments sections. They are where all the action takes place. In the meantime, I shall respond to a comment made at the time of composing my initial musings for this blog.

[Unnamed humanoid]: Gavriel, get your mug back on camera. We are supposed to be having a conversation you know. Just because you can’t multitask doesn’t give you the excuse to IGNORE ME (note: this person often speaks in capital letters).

Me: Did you say something? Sorry I wasn’t listening.

[Unnamed humanoid]: Well listen then you plonker!

Me: No. (Note: I find myself funny, but I did end up listening because I am weak-willed)

This conversation actually happened. Even though my life is a joke (ooo self-burn, those are rare – best TV show that) that conversation was not fabricated. And on that note, I hope you enjoyed my eloquent nonsensical blog.

Agony Aunt

27th April 2021

By Austin

In his restless pursuit of copper-bottomed baboonery, Austin has become Agony Aunt for a week. Below are his responses to emails as far-ranging as subjects about one thing and other subjects about other things:

Howdy! It is well known that in this life one should try everything once, save gnocchi and incest. This week I’m having a bash at being an Agony Aunt. My inbox was flooded this week so unfortunately some of your emails got slightly damp. Nonetheless, I was able to salvage some of your predicaments. But this experiment only lasts for this week, so for Pete’s sake don’t bother me with your problems!!! Okay? Great! Thanks! Much appreciated. Mm!

Dear Aunt Austin, what’s happening to my body? I’m just knocking on the door of fourteen and I am becoming aware of certain changes in me and in my feelings towards others. What does it mean? Yours, ‘Mildly Perplexed’

Dear Mildly Perplexed, pull the other one – it’s got bells on it. You’re fully aware of what’s happening inside you, you just want me to write a reply that includes the word ‘genitals’ so you can have a rotten giggle over it. I only deal with genuine problems here; if you want filth try your local train station car park.

Dear Aunt Austin, my girlfriend, whom I love dearly, is unable to satisfy my appetites, and I have started going to restaurants behind her back. I am terrified that if she sees me eating in a peculiar place she’ll sever the relationship. Should I tell her before she finds out? Yours, ‘Hungry’

Dear ‘Hungry’, There’s more to a relationship than just plain eating you know. Of course, for the first few weeks, food and mealtimes will be the most important thing you have between you, and you’ll spend all day at the table together, exploring each other’s tastes and range of cooking styles. But if a relationship is to last, it’s important you learn to find interests outside of the kitchen. If she can’t satisfy you at the moment, perhaps it’s because you aren’t telling her what it is that you want and need. Buy a cookery book, there are plenty available, showing a variety of cuisines that may be more to your taste. Happy gorging!

Dear Aunt Austin, Mr Graham – our headmaster – is forcing me to do double maths every Monday afternoon. I hate maths and it clashes with Neighbours, the Australian Soap on Daytime TV. Could you come round and shoot him so I can get out of it? Lots of love, Peter

Dear Peter, as much as I would love to help, you have a duty to go to school. I know you teachers don’t get paid enough but there are hundreds of students relying on you to guide them through exams – so buck up and get teaching!

Dear Aunt Austin, I think my wife is cheating on me. She keeps answering calls and secretly texting with her phone angled away from me. I have had suspicions for quite some time now. But recently she has been going out a lot more in the evenings with “the girls” who she knows “from work” and whom I have “never met”. Finally, I had had enough. Last Tuesday I tried to follow her. I tailed her very discreetly in my car and parked outside the restaurant the taxi dropped her off at. As she entered, I crouched down behind my BMW 1 Series M Sport and saw the stuff of nightmares. My exhaust pipe was leaking oil. Is this something that can be easily remedied? Yours, ‘Highly Flammable’

Dear ‘Highly Flammable’, I know of somebody else who is also having car troubles at the moment. Last Tuesday, I met a delightful woman for dinner at a very nice little restaurant. I could tell it was a good one because there were a number of expensive cars outside, including a BMW much like yours. Anyway, I got talking to this woman and she mentioned how her husband was having trouble with leaky pipes – you’re clearly not the only one. My prescription would be to visit your local Kwik Fit, kick the tyres and say “she’s got four good feet on her” to seem like you know what you’re talking about. 

That’s all for this week. Next week I’ll be interviewing the world’s worst escapologist Alexei Navalny on how he is faring in lockdown. Who knows, the week after that I might be on the moon! Look out!!!

All my love, 

Aunt Austin

Insomnia Makes Me Batman

22nd April 2021

By Gavriel

I am an insomniac. Why? Because I am a psychopath. I am also Batman. Read on to witness my uncannily brilliant attempt to justify my heinous crimes…

I am writing this post at 23:20 at night whilst listening to a playlist of One Direction and Eminem. I am not ready for bed. Many of my peers are insomniacs due to the addiction that is social media and our mobile phones, watching movies until 01:00 or engaging in nonsensical debates about football as every semblance of intelligence and wit renders itself useless. It is an unhealthy addiction. One which is probably damaging to the health of countless people. I am presently writing this on my laptop – the hypocrisy is real.

Why, then, would I possibly endorse being an insomniac? Given the lack of ad revenue this website is generating, it would be unwise to endorse anything without the promise of a large sum of money (hint, hint @richpeoplewithmoneytospare). I believe there is an article published by fellow decablogger Nilesh about the importance of sleep which I shall attach below. I by no means intend to discredit the numerous facts which Nilesh raises (and the size of a man’s penis which supposedly goes down with a lack of sleep), yet I still deprive myself of the recommended hours of sleep. Why?

Nilesh’s article: https://decablogs.com/sleep-mans-greatest-superpower/

There are various famous cases of insomniacs who are highly successful Homosapiens who have irregular sleeping patterns (don’t quote me on this though, some might be Neanderthals). The man who inspired mine was the late great Kobe Bryant. Kobe would wake up in the early hours (around 4am) to work out, thus maximising his opportunity to get stuff done during the day. By extending his working hours he was able to expand his commitments whilst spending more time on his craft. Kobe was the hardest worker in the history of basketball, and his resumé shows he was successful. Bruce Wayne, a.k.a Batman, utilises the Uberman sleep schedule, as did Nikola Tesla and Leonardo Da Vinci. This consists of taking 20-minute naps every 4 hours for a total of 3 hours of sleep a day.

The most successful modern entrepreneurs also get early starts with little sleep. Granted, many do not choose to work late into the evening, but Musk, Jobs and Clinton are amongst the most successful examples of people who got/get up around 6 hours of sleep a day, rising at 6 and going to sleep at midnight. Then again, Monica Lewinsky had to leave enough time after her curfew to sneak out of her mummy’s place to the White House so Clinton may have waited up for that reason. My pattern is not too dissimilar – because I don’t live in the White House, obviously, or do I…

I shan’t reveal my exact sleeping pattern (I intend on selling that once I’m rich and famous in a few months once this blog blows up – figuratively) but the premise is consistent. By sleeping less and working more I maximise the amount of work – i.e. hours of FIFA played – that I am capable of doing. Years of conditioning means I rarely feel the effects of exhaustion whilst working, so between the hours during which I wear my Thomas the Tank Engine pyjamas, I can be as productive as possible and get as much work done as possible. My overuse of similes in the previous sentence might suggest otherwise, but I swear my excessive desire to use mundane literary techniques is solely a reflection of my personality.

I didn’t really need to explain all of that, nor was there any remotely competent argument above, but I implore my gazillions of readers to consider the following: are we truly immortal until proven otherwise? (Sorry, too much TikTok). Instead, could we spend our time awake better, especially if we are awake ridiculously late already? As such I have fulfilled the promises outlined on the About Us section of the website: I have published my meandering digressions as a blog using my omnipotence as a man publishing blogs. “Big Brother Is Watching You” is the goal, but given that my meeting with Zuckerberg hasn’t been scheduled, the present attempt at a creepy message is: “Gavriel is hoping that you are reading his blogs”.

Many thanks to my amazing readers and have a week without any utopian dictatorships destroying your lives. Again, applications for a fanbase name welcomed in the comments.

Yours sleepily at just past midnight,

The Laird.

The Whole World Is Watching

14th April 2021

By Gavriel

“The whole world is watching”. At least, that’s what the guy with the 14th Century plague mask said to me at the end of his bedtime story. I was wearing my Mickey Mouse pyjamas under my Superman covers so this did not scare me. Yet this, in part, is true. I do have a fairly large proportion of the world’s population reading my blog and I have no doubt my fanbase will only increase with this post. Feel free to comment below an apt name for my loyal fans (e.g. the Swifties for Taylor Swift, Firebreathers for Imagine Dragons).

Alas, I digress, the true reason for my title is not my enormous ego – for once – but the title of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier episode 4. I have watched this episode multiple times so far. Why, I hear you ask? Because I have no life. And because of this, my hours spent watching a singular TV episode means that my lovely readers can digest all I have learnt in a matter of minutes; I know y’all have lives so this will help you carry on with them.

I had many takeaways, most ended up in my stomach, but the voice in my head demanded that I talk about the marvellous acting in the fourth episode. I did a one-week acting camp coming away with a distinction in drama many years back so I am hence qualified.

(For anyone who has not noted my excruciating sarcasm so far, get used to it)

For starters, Sebastian Stan is amazing in every single way. That’s it. That’s the blog. Nay, I shall carry on and mention Seb’s (we are on nickname terms) acting during the flashback to Wakanda. When Ayo speaks the activation code accompanied by the Winter Soldier theme, Bucky’s face goes from fear to anger to bewilderment to relief. When Ayo first says, “you are free”, Bucky looks up at her, tears in his eyes, to check if she really did just say that. Stan’s face in the picture below really epitomises his superhuman ability to express all these emotions at once.

Our introduction to Wyatt Russell’s John Walker comes with two people filming him in the background. Walker began the series clean-shaven but by episode 4 he has a bit of scruff. Personally, I think my brew of bum fluff and straggly ginger hairs amidst a swarm of poorly placed darker spikes looks better, but each to their own. Walker is clearly tilting over the edge (I mean who grows their beard like that?!) and Russell exemplifies this through various subtle tics throughout the episode. I too have subtle twitches and a better beard than Walker… the shield should really be mine. Subtle touches of his forehead throughout the episode indicate that he has a migraine or something else messing with his head. Additionally, when the girl whom Zemo bribed with Swedish Delight (which seems to be a common theme in popular culture yet is quite frankly disgusting) leads them to Karli, right before the cut to a different shot Walker’s head jerks down to the right. Even in the background, Russell displays excellent acting skills. Tom Holland, please take note.

By contrast, in the funeral scene, there are loads of child actors. Cue this child looking creepily into the camera lens:

Walker’s face after his defeat at the hands of the Dora Milaje really shows his distress, setting up his actions later in the episode. “They weren’t even super soldiers” was a perfectly delivered line to end the scene.

During his fight with the Flagsmashers Walker constantly twitches. After throwing his shield into the wall he involuntarily shrugs his shoulders. Walker watches over a dead Hoskins with a bit of blood trickling from his ear suggesting a concussion, another injury to the brain. And lastly, to finish the episode off, Walker’s now-iconic pose with the bloody shield in his hand has all the world watching. What is more discrete to the eye, however, is Walker’s twitching right hand. His inner demons are now in control.

If there is one thing to take away from this it is that I deserve a change.com petition to make me the new Captain America. I am a master blogger, a semi-athletic person with just below average facial hair. I also have the costume within arms reach of my bed already, right next to my hulk gloves (one has to be safe). I also have a lot of homework to do, but if I can find time to write a blog I’m sure I can find the time to travel in luxury and do battle of course. My Battle of Hastings re-enactment on the first Sunday of every month takes precedence though of course. Have a moderately good week and don’t talk to any people walking around with below-par facial hair. They might kill you with a shield.

One Note Samba Lyrics

12th April 2021

By Noah

For the first time in history, I am going to attempt to do something that no one has ever done. Scientists and musicians alike have failed to do this great feat. But I will now, as you are witnessing, solve one of the world’s toughest questions: what are the lyrics to Ella Fitzgerald’s version of One Note Samba? It was sung only once ever, on June 22nd, 1969. As someone who enjoys scatting regularly, be it at house parties or at supermarkets, I love listening to Ella Fitzgerald. However, a limitation to my scatting is that I never know what words to sing. Hopefully, by finally discovering what they are in ‘One Note Samba’, my scatting will be all the more improved. I will not deny that this is an incredibly difficult and daunting task, and so only the first 30 seconds will be transliterated. On the YouTube video below this is from 0:49 to 1:19. Of course, this is only my interpretation of the lyrics and this does not take into account the eccentricity of the rhythm. Anyway, my lyrics are as follows:

Shum digidi boom boom bigidi gdning nang dunalang guna lang loo – AH  

Shigilidi ooo boom bigidi didooo dung bazizoo – AH 

Boo didilinindilin doondidilindoodoo bindoon d – AH

Boodun boobi boodin booba boodun doodi doodun doobib doob – AH

Shundidilin beeeee doo dun doo doo doodidlindoo didlilidoo dibum – HO

Didilindoo dididilidoo didiliyoo – AH 

Shibidoodeeeeee din doo din dun don lood – AH

Daboobabooboo dandoobey babadoo dandilindooy – AH

Shabidiloobididiboo dibidoiiiiya dibidoiiiya 

Shabidilidoondiboo didoiiiya badoodidoiiiya!

I apologise to anyone who is offended by some of the inappropriate words that were necessary to transliterate this work of art. For example, doody and booby. Unfortunately, Ella Fitzgerald never released the clean version, and I am simply a fan. I hope you enjoyed this. I know I certainly did.  

Ed Wood

11th April 2021

By Devin

“Ed Wood” is a 1994 film directed by Tim Burton starring Johnny Depp. Despite incredible critical acclaim and developing a cult following, it tanked at the box office. However, that does not deny its genius. It tells the tale of Edward D Wood Jr, considered by some to be the worst director to ever live. Shooting off minimal budgets, stealing props, filming illegally, he created a large number of camp films. Films that are so bad, they are quite enjoyable. The film documents his creation of three films, his relationship with Bela Lugosi, the fading star of the original 1931 Dracula film and Ed Wood’s transvestite nature and the effect of that upon his romantic relationships.

There are many merits to this film. It is a very humorous and heartwarming film with beautiful black and white cinematography which add stylish additions to the aesthetics of the film. With an outstanding performance by Johnny Depp, this is a very well rounded film and a good investment of 2 hours.

Furthermore, I consider this film a gateway drug of some sort to Ed Wood’s own films, which would be inaccessible to most people who have the fortunate or unfortunate chance of stumbling across his films. The three Ed Wood films shown being shot are, “Glen or Glenda”, “Plan 9 from Outer Space” and “Bride of the Monster”. They are all free on YouTube and very fun watches due to the amateurish nature of Ed Wood’s film making. “Bride of the Monster” and “Plan 9 from Outer Space” are decent camp films with a generally coherent plot and are ironically enjoyable to watch. On the other hand, “Glen or Glenda” is an incoherent mess that made me think, “what the hell am I watching?”

Creed Thoughts 1

September 27, 2007

www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts

Creed thoughts!

Hey-o everyone out there in SyberWorld. It,s old Creed Bratton right back at you again from my perch in quabity assurance manager at Dunder Mifflin payper. The last couple-o days have been crazy – man I tell you. The big bossman hit the new chick with his car and is now on the run.

I was on the run once from the Taliban… something about stealing a chair. I don’t remember. Back in the 60s you steal a chair and you get away with it – now everyone wants to cut off your hand. Well, in the end they got my toe. Still though, great heroin.

I,ve seen all kinds of chairs. Big ones. Small ones. I can,t get enough, but sometimes you have to grow up. Like my daughter always says: you can;t stand around hanging brain all day.

Do you know what you don,t see every day? A pig wearing a hat. I tell you – this man – drunk as skunk. What’s he doing? Let me know your thoughts!

Really it is the best time of the year to go play golf. Me? I prefer fishing… or real estate. Nothing like catching a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom condo on the outskirts of Scranton PA.

Right-o, it’s time for the weather: precipitation looking likely, but I think it’s going to be a sunny day.

  1. Prediction: Fast cars will be faster by 2083
  2. Prediction: Michael will cut off his ear and give it to Andrea
  3. Prediction: Pasta will be extinct next fall
  4. Reminder: Michael,s safe combo: 26-32-20

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