Category: Science

Astrology Predicts Your Week Ahead #2

Guess who’s back, back again, Gavriel’s back, tell a friend. Tell a friend that he’s a bellend. Astrology is a science, and after last week’s spot-on predictions, I am back to damn you all with bad news. Classic Monday.

28th June 2021

By Gavriel

Astrology IS A Science

After many complaints last week, I would like to clarify that astrology is a science. We received much feedback about how many of my predictions came true (although that could partly be because I am always right), so it is pretty obvious that I know my stuff. The stars and planets do too. Are you going to doubt the planets? Thought not. Without further adieu, this is what will happen to each of you in the next week.

Aries | 21 March – 19 April

Over the coming week, you will convince yourself that you are a deep and enlightened soul. You are delusional and love self-aggrandisement. Listening to Adele’s Rolling in the Deep does not make you suddenly aware of everyone’s deepest secrets, because, unless you are a book or TV character built on trauma, no one is really that complex.

Stop pretending that you know what you are on about and stop judging people because you are not a higher entity. The Devil’s Anus is cooler than you. In fact, one might say you have a royal sceptre up your anus. You will drink milk this week.

Taurus | 20 April – 20 May

Megan Fox is a Taurus. Therefore it is only right that my prediction for the next week is that you will all find love. In Megan Fox’s case, that would be with me. The Decablogs DMs are always open because my private account is too private even for Megan Fox.

I reckon once we are famous across the whole galaxy, and we are already world-famous so we’re halfway there (woooaaaah, living on a prayer), I will make a burner account on Twitter. Perhaps I will roast Decablogs and whatnot. Or I could do that now in the form of a blog. Thoughts?

Gemini | 21 May – 20 June

All Geminis are wankers, and I’m just thanking my lucky scientific stars that it’s no longer your month. Although, every month is your month. Obviously, because you make it all about you all the time. You will drink urine without knowing it. Karma is a bitch, sonnnnn (Brooklyn 99, Season 5 Episode 14, the one with the dentist played by Sterling Brown). Or should I say sun?

Cancer | 21 June – 22 July

Congratulations, it is your month. Just because it’s about to be your birthday doesn’t mean you can avoid daily trips to the shitter. You guys fart a lot. A lot a lot. This week you will hopefully wipe your bum, but on a separate note please stop thinking that you are better than everyone else. You are what you eat and you lick your fingers after you go to the toilet. Put two and two together and you will probably drink some dirty water. Water…

Leo | 23 July – 22 August

You probably have no plans for the next week but have warned everyone for months that you will be a “riot” once things re-open. You won’t be. Instead, you will put a picture of you holding a glass of wine on your Instagram story. It’s just dark grape juice, and if you knew how to make a Margarita then you still wouldn’t. Enjoy your dry week being little fun whatsoever. Enjoy your grape juice but try to spice it up a bit. Ever had Ella’s Kitchen?

Astrology in an Ella's Kitchen shell

Virgo | 23 August – 22 September

I like you guys. Most of the time. Alas, this week you won’t bear the brunt of my star grazing. Mostly because I ran out of time due to an extended time staring at Uranus. Don’t be silly there. But you will most likely be caught masticating by your parents this week. Enjoy that odd experience, but try some cake. Ahhh, cake. Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake. Caaaaaaaaaaaake. Looks like a strange word, doesn’t it? Cake. Now you are hungry. So am I. Boom.

Libra | 23 September – 22 October

Oh, what a time to be alive. Or rather, what a time to be born! In the upcoming week, you will be prosperous, and Megan Fox might even slide into your DMs (if you are me). Now, you may crown yourselves as legends. Enjoy your evening glass of milk with cookies you absolute ballers.

Scorpio | 23 October – 21 November

I heard there was a She-Hulk series coming out at some point on Disney+ and most of you will be in the running to get an audition. Naturally, you were the best choice (#methodacting), but you will still be moody the entire time. However, there is a distinction between being horrible and moody, and you aren’t an Aries so you aren’t a bitch. Then again, you are still quite annoying. Think of a little brother. Nice company sometimes, but annoying the rest.

Sagittarius | 22 November – 21 December

Stop boasting this week. It’s enough, really. I mean, you basically live the same, mundane life that we all do yet for some reason you think that you do things better. You are, in fact, a prick – I had to take ‘prick’ out of all my previous blogs for Google suing us reasons so I’m delighted to bring that back. But let’s be honest, none of you Sagittarius blokes are reading this blog because you are shocking human beings who refuse to be semi-decent. Enjoy lying in a cactus bath.

Oh, and this week you will drink water because you aren’t exciting enough for milk or alcohol. Some of you are nice, by the way. You don’t know who you are. Odds are if you think you’re nice, you have a massive ego. Makes up for the little package. From Amazon of course.

Capricorn | 22 December – 19 January

Congratulations! This week you will become so deluded that you think you have a unicorn. You will spend hours shining its horn and then realise, that you were, in fact, shining something less fun. Cilit BANG and your nice skin is gone. Instead of your normal apple, you will have eaten an onion for dessert too. Well done, pat on the back, move on.

Aquarius | 20 January – 18 February

I like Aquarius people. The dude looking over my shoulder is an Aquarius, as are many Decablogs super-fans. Hence, you guys will have a good week. I guarantee it. And if you don’t, someone is lying about your birthday. Aquarius is also water stuff, so check out Boris’ blog on cephalopods.

Pisces | 19 February – 20 March

Everyone hates Pisces men, but this week I’m inclined to give them a break. Mostly because this is the last bit of my blog and I am all out of inspiration. Partly because I am a saint and you guys deserve some slack. However, you will likely drink some alcohol this week to distract you from a) existential crises b) your failures c) the knowledge that you didn’t get beat about this week. Enjoy your week off.

Astrology My Arse

When talking about planets, Uranus comes up a lot. Why is that? Obviously, because it’s my Aquarius sign, yadda yadda yadda. So yeah, the end of this here blog is an anus joke, because why the hell not? Intergalactic peace out.

Cephalopod Intelligence: Actually Not That Dry

In his astonishing debut blog, Boris digs down into the nitty gritty details of cephalopod intelligence – a topic I’m sure is on everyone’s mind. To learn more about the adaptations of squids and octopuses, their prehistoric origins, and what the heck a cephalopod even is, read on Macduff. Whether you’re a complete biology novice or Sir David Attenborough himself, you are sure to find something fascinating in this post.

28th June 2021 (Tau Day!)

By Boris

In the animal kingdom, certain species exhibit extraordinary abilities; from the tardigrade’s ability to survive many extreme conditions to the pistol shrimp’s method of stunning prey with 210 decibel weaponised bubbles. Also, Keep your eyes peeled for a blog on tardigrades!

Invertebrates vs. Vertebrates

But, in regard to intelligence, the vertebrates reign supreme. The humans, great whales, corvids – don’t confuse with a certain pesky virus – and even the manta ray all show prowess in the skills which make up ‘intelligence’; be it memory, problem solving, tool use or a high level of sentience.

Cephalopod - The Manta Ray
Manta Ray

The Manta Ray (Left) has the largest brain of any fish, explaining its ability to recognise itself in mirrors, a feat few animals can perform.

Despite the vertebrate’s general superiority in the intelligence department, one group of invertebrates has bucked the trend. 

The Cephalopod: A Dark Horse

#1 The Mimic Octopus

Cephalopod - The Mimic Octopus
The Mimic Octopus

The cephalopods (squid, octopuses, cuttlefish and the nautilus) all exhibit unparalleled intelligence in the invertebrate world. The Mimic Octopus (Right) copies the behaviour of flounders, jellyfish and lionfish to ward off predators.

#2 The Broadclub Cuttlefish

Conversely, the Broadclub Cuttlefish is able to rapidly change the colour and patterns on its skin to transfix and hypnotise its prey.

Cephalopod - The Broadclub Cuttlefish
The Broadclub Cuttlefish

The application of intelligence to escape predation or catch prey is unimpressive when compared to the quasi-human behaviours of some cephalopods. 

#3 The Humboldt Squid

Cephalopod - The Humboldt Squid
The Humboldt Squid

The Humboldt Squid, an aggressive pack hunter, has been seen communicating with members of its own species by showing certain patterns and colours on its skin, expressing emotions of anger, fear or the desire to mate. These predators can grow to two metres and there are tales of their attacks on humans.

#4 The Common Octopus

Cephalopod - The Common Octpus
The Common Octopus

The Common Octopus, which I am sure has made its way onto many of your plates, is capable of fun. Scientists have seen them pushing objects towards currents, catching said object and repeating this process. The capability and need to keep one’s mind occupied is a significant marker of high intelligence, few animals have shown this characteristic to this extent, especially not invertebrates.

#5 The Blanket Octopus

The Blanket Octopus can use tools like the torn-off tentacles of the Portuguese Man-Of-War. The octopus grasps the base of the tentacle, devoid of stinging cells, and presents the venomous section to potential predators. In addition, the Blanket Octopus is extremely sexually dimorphic, with females of the species getting to 2 metres, and males barely reaching 2.4 centimetres.

Cephalopod - The Blanket Octopus

Cephalopod Brain Structure

The science behind cephalopod intelligence is complex as the structure of their brains is incomparable to vertebrate brains. Firstly, a majority of the neurones present in a cephalopod are not clustered in a brain. Instead, they are spread out amongst their eight arms.

These neurones, while still connected to the brain, are relatively independent. This allows the arms to perform complicated tasks on reflex, without any hinderance to the central brain.

Secondly, the structure of the cephalopod brain is downright alien. The optical lobes of the brain are enormous compared to the rest of the brain, the squid’s axon-controlling muscle contractions in the body are so large they visible to the naked eye. What’s more, the oesophagus passes right through the middle of the brain.

Why is the Cephalopod brain so smart?

But why? What is the use of these smarts? Why did these creatures ditch their hard shells and exchange them for big brains and camouflage?

As Molluscs, cephalopods are soft bodied, much like their relatives slugs and snails. And just like snails, cephalopods once possessed a hard shell, allowing them to protect their soft interior. They were also able to fill chambers in their shell with gas to give them buoyancy.

Where did the Cephalopod saga all begin?

Cephalopod - Pre-historic Octopus

Then, their predators adapted stronger jaws and rounded teeth to crush these shells, leaving the cephalopods and their predators in an evolutionary arms race, 470 million years ago.

Through gradual mutation and subsequent natural selection, some cephalopods internalised their shells and diminished their size, allowing them to provide structure but removing any gas chambers.

Without these shells, the cephalopods became Coleoids. The Coleoids diversified as they could now explore deeper waters and move much faster. The groups that survived are the octopuses, squid and cuttlefish.

In my opinion, it was their increased intelligence, which had to evolve due to their lack of a shell, which enabled them to compete and make it into modern day.

In Summary

Cephalopods are bloody clever. The EU (the Brussels tentacles themselves) passed a law in 2010, prohibiting the scientific testing on cephalopods without anaesthetic. Moreover, Peter Godfrey-Smith’s book Other Minds has brought the subject of their brains and psychology tomany humans, and I would strongly urge you dear readers to give it a read. 

Thank you for soldiering on to the bitter end. If you liked this blog, please get in touch via our instagram  or email and let me know what you think.

Keep a close eye out for upcoming blogs including What Are Tardigrades?

I’ve been Boris – tarrah!

Astrology Predicts Your Week Ahead

I like to blame everything on astrology. Why am I a bellend? Probably because of the date and time of my birth. Read on to see an indecisive Libra attempt to write a blog predicting what will happen to each star sign over the next week.

21st June 2021

By Gavriel

Astrology 101

Do you believe astrology is absolute horse crap? Probably. My question to you is: what Hogwarts house are you in? Nonetheless, I can prove that astrology is not absolute nonsense. Last week Jupiter’s positioning told me that my wealth status would change, and low and behold it did! I bought 4 packets of Chocolate Digestives and by the end of the week, I had less money. Hence, I have proven that astrology is completely reliable. As such, read on to find out what will happen to you this week based upon your chart. We are looking solely at your sun sign – i.e. the only one you non-believers (*cough* philistines *cough*) probably know.

Aries | 21 March – 19 April

You always dreamed of the many wondrous ways in which becoming a football fan might change your life. However, your attempts this past week have been annoying. Await a letter summoning you to an audience with The Council about you talking during half-time whilst people are trying for the love of God to listen to Ian Wright.

Taurus | 20 April – 20 May

This very week, hundreds of miles away, someone is squeezing a lemon. If you come across a lemon this week, squeeze it into the eyes of someone you dislike (probably a Gemini) and scream “TOTES AGREE” over and over again. How else could you be annoying?

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Instead of the stars, you figure out how to be a horrible person using an article from Glamour magazine that was released in 2012. Might I suggest using cow dung over your usual glasses?

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Gosh, you really like efficiency. However, this week you accidentally post the ransom note a day early and a former Chancellor of the Exchequer gets advanced notice that you are going to try to get a picture of his sword to send to his own newspaper. Well done. I applaud you.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will have an existential crisis when you can’t find anything to watch on Netflix. I suggest you try paying an extortionate amount of money for an alternative service.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You will perfect your drum routine using the pots and pans in your kitchen, and get invited to headline Glastonbury next year. If it happens. I won’t be coming if you are there unless Cynics is present.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Over the next week you will board an empty train carriage and dance around, only to realise that everyone in the adjacent First Class carriage is staring at you with their mouths open. You get invited by Simon Cowell to join Britain’s Got Talent. I am still the superior dancer.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The UK has extended its lockdown for a further four weeks, so you will celebrate heavily. For one more month you get to blame politicians for your failing relationship. The real reason you got pissed off for no reason halfway through your TV episode was that nightclubs won’t be open for another month, obviously. You will also overreact to minor things in your life, but I promise you that all will be ok. Nightclubs are still closed though.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will try your hand at something ever so slightly illegal because you have failed at everything else. You will fail yet again, but all hope is not lost. At least you weren’t caught, but you did light your trousers on fire whilst trying to smoke. Now they cover your kneecaps but not your crotch. I also have a suspicious feeling that your week will be over quicker than you think, because time flies by when your pants are alight.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will claim you are exotic after realising that you are part Danish. Does that make you a viking? Absolutely. Does that mean that you are horny? No, because ACTUALLY, vikings didn’t have horny helmets, ACTUALLY.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You will not win the lottery. But that is fine because your favourite source of astrological truth is free to read online at I highly recommend it – the BBC has taken a fall from grace so the linked site is the pinnacle of British entertainment.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

If you are a man, you will get called an arsehole. If you are a woman, you will be told that you are amazing. In truth, all of you will trust clickbait and respond to a fake advertisement from Boris Johnson requesting the services of a mistress.

Astrology Calls You To Arms

I encourage you all to justify your poor behaviour this week with the positioning of Uranus on the day you were born. What else is astrology good for I hear you stupidly question? Also, follow our Instagram. Did I hear you ask if our social media is any good? Is a Saggitarius rising excessively egotistical to hide deep-rooted insecurities? (Yes). In fact, some might say that we are coming for Ronaldo’s crown. Last I checked we certainly aren’t far from his 300 million followers. I warned you all. Decablogs will be coming for Richard Branson next.

Astrology - A Picture of Uranus

Aliens Living Among Us

Noah is fascinated by aliens and extra-terrestrial beings. As an inexperienced alien hunter he has sought to expose some of the most prevalent aliens in society: Mark Zuckerberg, Dominic Cummings and Matt Hancock.

11th May 2021

By Noah

For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated by the idea of aliens and extra-terrestrial beings. Conspiracy theories like Area 51 and Roswell are just so perplexingly interesting for me. Yes, I guess you could say I get very easily convinced by conspiracy theories just for the sheer fun of them, but what if aliens actually did live among us? What’s more, we wouldn’t even know if they did. That said, whilst some aliens living among us hide it excellently, there are those who do not hide well at all. Using my limited alien-hunting skills I very easily found three aliens living among us: Domonic Cummings, Mark Zuckerberg and Matt Hancock. Please go back to your home planet. We do not want you here. Other aliens might be exciting, but you are not. Go home. 

I’m sure I am not the only one to realise that these ‘men’ are clearly not ‘men’ at all, but in fact beings from other galaxies that are doing a very poor job of imitating humans, but for the avoidance of doubt, let me explain how I have come to this conclusion. 

Dominic Cummings

Appearance: Slightly weird. Can’t be pinpointed. Are his eyes a bit too close together?

Alien rating: 7/10

Human rating: 2/10 (editor’s note: the alien and human ratings don’t add up to 10 here because he is part troglodyte)

Alien planet: Cumming

The supposed mastermind behind Brexit is quite clearly slimy and green beneath his human-skin overcoat. There’s something about the way he wears glasses that suggests he either has mind control or x-ray vision. Evidence for the fact that his alien race is ‘Cumming’ is suggested in an interview where he begins with the phrase: ‘thank you for Cumming’. Perhaps this is a ‘Cumming’ greeting that begins all conversations? This is probably not dissimilar from saying grace before a meal or thanking Earth for a bountiful harvest. Of course, the name of this mysterious alien race is where he gets his ‘human’ surname from. Furthermore, it was in this very interview that Cummings apologised for breaking COVID regulations and driving to Durham. However, I have concluded that he was in fact trying to escape Earth. Only 20 miles from Durham, Tyneside is a small town where there have been numerous UFO sightings and it’s not very hard to connect the dots and realise that Cummings had something to do with these sightings. Spitting Image does an excellent job at conveying rather the same point as me. Cummings is clearly an evil alien genius. 

Mark Zuckerberg

Appearance: Not very similar to Jesse Eisenberg. He has the palest possible complexion known to man when in true alien form. 

Alien rating: 7/10

Human rating: 5/10

Alien planet: Brodo Asogi (same as E.T.)

Facebook is widely used and widely praised. However, inevitably, every silver lining has a cloud – the company’s owner and founder is an alien… Oh sweet, sweet Marky Mark. You did everything right (not really) until this photo of you surfing was released. If that even is a human ‘surfboard’ after all and not some alien device. You could have passed as slightly weird before this moment. But, here today, your fun studying the human race must come to an end as I have revealed your true identity. It was Facebook that allowed Zuckerberg to do this so brilliantly. With its creation, he can monitor over 2.7 billion people and learn from us as we continue to accept his “terms and conditions”. Are his intentions good or bad? I cannot say. Your only take away from this should be to perhaps read “terms and conditions” before immediately pressing accept in case you agree to offer your body as a human host for Zuckerberg.

By the way, check out Gavriel’s blogs which almost always shout out Zucky: one such one is “How To Write A Blog” at:

Matt Hancock

Appearance: Remarkably similar to the average 42-year-old male.

Alien rating: 1/10

Human rating: 1/10

Alien planet: Unknown

Look. Matt Hancock is a fairly normal guy who happens to be fairly terrible at his job. And, like Mark Zuckerberg, he wouldn’t be noticed as an alien if it was not for one slip up. In an interview with Wendy Maisey, Hancock stands just too close for any real human.

His intent, fixed, gaze on Maisey suggests that either he has never seen a woman before, or he has never been allowed this close to one. Pretty strange. His motives remain unknown, and in general, he remains under the radar. But I’m expecting this man to do something big soon… and something equally weird.  

By no means is this the vast extent of all the aliens living on Earth; these are simply the three that I have chosen to unveil. Furthermore, it was not my intention to challenge the giants of the social media world just as Austin did in his blog (linked below). My sole intention is to raise awareness about the possibility that your neighbour might not have the same sequence of DNA as you. 

Thanks for reading and a big “THANK YOU” to Mike Allton.

Insomnia Makes Me Batman

22nd April 2021

By Gavriel

I am an insomniac. Why? Because I am a psychopath. I am also Batman. Read on to witness my uncannily brilliant attempt to justify my heinous crimes…

I am writing this post at 23:20 at night whilst listening to a playlist of One Direction and Eminem. I am not ready for bed. Many of my peers are insomniacs due to the addiction that is social media and our mobile phones, watching movies until 01:00 or engaging in nonsensical debates about football as every semblance of intelligence and wit renders itself useless. It is an unhealthy addiction. One which is probably damaging to the health of countless people. I am presently writing this on my laptop – the hypocrisy is real.

Why, then, would I possibly endorse being an insomniac? Given the lack of ad revenue this website is generating, it would be unwise to endorse anything without the promise of a large sum of money (hint, hint @richpeoplewithmoneytospare). I believe there is an article published by fellow decablogger Nilesh about the importance of sleep which I shall attach below. I by no means intend to discredit the numerous facts which Nilesh raises (and the size of a man’s penis which supposedly goes down with a lack of sleep), yet I still deprive myself of the recommended hours of sleep. Why?

Nilesh’s article:

There are various famous cases of insomniacs who are highly successful Homosapiens who have irregular sleeping patterns (don’t quote me on this though, some might be Neanderthals). The man who inspired mine was the late great Kobe Bryant. Kobe would wake up in the early hours (around 4am) to work out, thus maximising his opportunity to get stuff done during the day. By extending his working hours he was able to expand his commitments whilst spending more time on his craft. Kobe was the hardest worker in the history of basketball, and his resumé shows he was successful. Bruce Wayne, a.k.a Batman, utilises the Uberman sleep schedule, as did Nikola Tesla and Leonardo Da Vinci. This consists of taking 20-minute naps every 4 hours for a total of 3 hours of sleep a day.

The most successful modern entrepreneurs also get early starts with little sleep. Granted, many do not choose to work late into the evening, but Musk, Jobs and Clinton are amongst the most successful examples of people who got/get up around 6 hours of sleep a day, rising at 6 and going to sleep at midnight. Then again, Monica Lewinsky had to leave enough time after her curfew to sneak out of her mummy’s place to the White House so Clinton may have waited up for that reason. My pattern is not too dissimilar – because I don’t live in the White House, obviously, or do I…

I shan’t reveal my exact sleeping pattern (I intend on selling that once I’m rich and famous in a few months once this blog blows up – figuratively) but the premise is consistent. By sleeping less and working more I maximise the amount of work – i.e. hours of FIFA played – that I am capable of doing. Years of conditioning means I rarely feel the effects of exhaustion whilst working, so between the hours during which I wear my Thomas the Tank Engine pyjamas, I can be as productive as possible and get as much work done as possible. My overuse of similes in the previous sentence might suggest otherwise, but I swear my excessive desire to use mundane literary techniques is solely a reflection of my personality.

I didn’t really need to explain all of that, nor was there any remotely competent argument above, but I implore my gazillions of readers to consider the following: are we truly immortal until proven otherwise? (Sorry, too much TikTok). Instead, could we spend our time awake better, especially if we are awake ridiculously late already? As such I have fulfilled the promises outlined on the About Us section of the website: I have published my meandering digressions as a blog using my omnipotence as a man publishing blogs. “Big Brother Is Watching You” is the goal, but given that my meeting with Zuckerberg hasn’t been scheduled, the present attempt at a creepy message is: “Gavriel is hoping that you are reading his blogs”.

Many thanks to my amazing readers and have a week without any utopian dictatorships destroying your lives. Again, applications for a fanbase name welcomed in the comments.

Yours sleepily at just past midnight,

The Laird.

One Note Samba Lyrics

12th April 2021

By Noah

For the first time in history, I am going to attempt to do something that no one has ever done. Scientists and musicians alike have failed to do this great feat. But I will now, as you are witnessing, solve one of the world’s toughest questions: what are the lyrics to Ella Fitzgerald’s version of One Note Samba? It was sung only once ever, on June 22nd, 1969. As someone who enjoys scatting regularly, be it at house parties or at supermarkets, I love listening to Ella Fitzgerald. However, a limitation to my scatting is that I never know what words to sing. Hopefully, by finally discovering what they are in ‘One Note Samba’, my scatting will be all the more improved. I will not deny that this is an incredibly difficult and daunting task, and so only the first 30 seconds will be transliterated. On the YouTube video below this is from 0:49 to 1:19. Of course, this is only my interpretation of the lyrics and this does not take into account the eccentricity of the rhythm. Anyway, my lyrics are as follows:

Shum digidi boom boom bigidi gdning nang dunalang guna lang loo – AH  

Shigilidi ooo boom bigidi didooo dung bazizoo – AH 

Boo didilinindilin doondidilindoodoo bindoon d – AH

Boodun boobi boodin booba boodun doodi doodun doobib doob – AH

Shundidilin beeeee doo dun doo doo doodidlindoo didlilidoo dibum – HO

Didilindoo dididilidoo didiliyoo – AH 

Shibidoodeeeeee din doo din dun don lood – AH

Daboobabooboo dandoobey babadoo dandilindooy – AH

Shabidiloobididiboo dibidoiiiiya dibidoiiiya 

Shabidilidoondiboo didoiiiya badoodidoiiiya!

I apologise to anyone who is offended by some of the inappropriate words that were necessary to transliterate this work of art. For example, doody and booby. Unfortunately, Ella Fitzgerald never released the clean version, and I am simply a fan. I hope you enjoyed this. I know I certainly did.  

Sleep: Man’s Greatest Superpower

5th April 2021

By Nilesh

“Men who sleep 5 hours or less a night have significantly smaller testicles than men who sleep 7 hours or more a night.” Yep, that is what did it, the fact that made me snooze my alarm to get the recommended 7 hours a night. All jokes aside, sleep bequeaths many more prizes than not feeling drowsy and lethargic the next morning. For example, having bigger testicles, as aforementioned.

Ever had to pull an all-nighter in order to complete that history essay you had left until the last minute? Yup, me too. I gotta tell you, I could hardly concentrate in class the next day. I was spending every waking moment trying not to dose off. Content absorbed from the lessons: zilch. Matthew Walker (Professor of neuroscience and psychology) conducted an experiment with 2 groups of people. One group had 8 hours of sleep, whilst the other group pulled an all-nighter. The next day an MRI scan was undertaken by both groups, revealing that the group that pulled an all-nighter absorbed 40% less information than the group with 8 hours of sleep. This is a staggering deficit for only 1 night. Now imagine countless school days operating on minimal sleep. Borderline criminal. Moral of the story kids, if you want straight As you must put in the work. By work, I am referring to getting your nightly 8 hours, although revision may also play some role in exam performance. But that is not the title of the article though, is it?

We live in a world where vaccines are more sought over than pizza. Pizza, really? Nonetheless, the pandemic has shone a newfound light on improving our immune systems. Well, there is no better way to turbocharge your immune system than with sleep. 4 hours of sleep can reduce immune cell activity by 70%. That is mind-blowing. A concerning state of immune deficiency if you will. Neurologists are now finding a strong correlation between a lack of sleep, and the development of various cancers. The link between the 2 is so strong that the World Health Organisation has classed any form of night-time shift work as a probable carcinogen. Who knew that getting that extra hour of sleep could do such good for your health? 

Now you may be “quaking in your boots” at the thought of a lack of sleep doing so much harm to your wellbeing. You may be wondering how to improve the quality of your sleep. Well, your wish is my command. Step one is regularity. Establishing a sleeping pattern is essential. Simply waking up and going to bed at the same time is powerful. I know it may be tempting to slack on the weekends and watch that Netflix series you have been meaning to watch but did not manage to get round to over the week, but don’t. Secondly, ever found it damn near impossible to sleep on holiday when the temperature is up, needed to strip off all your layers to merely get in the zone. This is because your body needs to drop its core temperature by 2-3˚F to initiate sleep. Thus my second tip is to make sure your environment is cool enough to sleep in. 

I am going to round off with a quote from Matthew Walker, “Sleep is the greatest performance-enhancing drug that not enough athletes are abusing.”I would like to challenge everyone reading this to try and squeeze in an extra 30 minutes of sleep. Despite not seeming like a lot, the effects on your health will be game-changing.

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