Category: Light-hearted

Katie Hopkins

Old School Hip Hopkins

July 20, 2021 / / 0 Comments

Austin returns with more of his witty insights and off-key remarks, this time on the deportation of Katie Hopkins from Australia. Austin offers a potted history of Hopkins’ run-ins with just about ever faction of society and looks at what her future might hold.

By Austin

The Hopkins Headlines

Everyone’s favourite bigoted, racist, fat-shaming fool Katie Hopkins is to be deported from Australia for bragging about flouting hotel quarantine rules. That’s right, you heard me correctly; in the midst of a global pandemic, with millions dying each day, Hopkins shared an Instagram video of her in Sydney joking about putting frontline staff at risk.

Even by Hopkins’ standards, this is disgusting. However, given Hopkins’ track record, this will not come as a surprise to anyone.

Hopkins was in Sydney as a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother Australia. Since the footage she posted on Friday, her television contract was terminated after she breached visa conditions and brought the Seven Network into disrepute.

Australia’s Deputy Prime Minister, Barnaby Joyce, was not helping any of the Australian stereotypes when he commented:

Hopkins deported - comments from Barnaby Joyce
Barnaby Joyce

“I’ve got no problem sending home someone who wants to flout our laws. You want to flout our laws, then you pack your bongo and get out of the country.”

BARNABY JOYCE, AUSTRALIA’S DEPUTY PM

It would seem the Katie Hopkins’ bongo is not helping her to drum up any positive support (ba-doom-tsss). Her actions have been met with widespread condemnation and caused a great deal of pain to a great many people.

Hopkins and the Australian Celebrity Visa

Katie Hopkins is just one of a string of celebrities who have touched down in Australia during the pandemic. Zac Efron was the first, then Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Julia Roberts and George Clooney just to name a few. It would seem that amid the pandemic, Hollywood best and brightest are fleeing down under to what they see as a Covid-free idyll.

Celebrity sightings in Australia (“Aussiewood”) have skyrocketed

In a country that has largely eradicated the virus, celebrities arriving are free to enjoy beaches, bars and nightclubs at their whim, all thanks to their celebrity visas.

Most of the celebrities are allowed entry to the country for work, with a view to stimulating Australia’s economy. The Australian government have used generous tax breaks to tempt over major film productions, like the next Thor film.

However, to many Australians, this is a kick in the teeth. While yes, there has been a dramatic increasing in celebrity sightings in what has been dubbed “Aussiewood”, there are still 40,000 Australian nationals that have been stranded overseas since the country shut its borders a year ago.

With Australians camped outside Heathrow and other major airports around the globe, Katie Hopkins’ remarks have highlighted the sheer hypocrisy of the Australian celebrity visa system. She has cemented any previous accusations of different treatment for the rich and famous compared to ordinary people.

Is this a first from Hopkins?

The short answer is, no. This is the woman who called immigrants “cockroaches”; the woman who said dementia patients shouldn’t be allowed to “block” up hospital beds; the woman who was prevented from leaving South Africa in 2018 for spreading “racial hatred”. The Mirror had the ingenious idea of blaming her racial hate speech on her having taken ketamine (Hopkins sued).

With someone as consistently outrageous as Katie Hopkins, some of her biggest offences often get swept under the carpet. So, because I am such a lovely person, I thought I’d compile some of her worst outbursts. In no particular order:

Manchester Bombings

Following the Manchester Arena bombings in 2017, a whole host of celebrity and media figures gathered around the city to show support to victims and their families. Katie, however, had other ideas.

She jumped on the event as an opportunity to spread Islamophobic hate speech, declaring that the country needed a “final solution” to terrorism. After the comment had reached the Metropolitan Police, she claimed the comment was a typo, and that she meant to say a “true solution”.

Hopkins on Muslim families

It would seem Hopkins has a penchant for Islamophobia. In December 2017, Hopkins was forced to apologise to the Mahmood family for completely arbitrarily calling them extremists. Hopkins thought she knew better than the US Border Force and published a story in the Daily Mail claiming that the reason they were denied entry to the US to go to Disneyland was because they were terrorists.

To make such an accusation with no evidence shows Hopkins up for the nasty piece of work she really is. Whatsmore, the Daily Mail were forced to pay out £150,000 in libel charges, so they were fuming as well (poor Jonathan Harmsworth boo hoo!).

Gaining and then losing weight

As part of the career-long war she has been waging against the overweight, Hopkins produced a documentary in 2014 in which she gained and then lost weight. She claimed that fat people were nothing but lazy. She said that she could not ever employ a fat person because “they look lazy”. God only knows what sort of opinions she holds on meal deals.

In a sneering, exclusively derogatory tone, the documentary (if you can even call it that) saw her put on three stone before losing it again. If you can move past the abhorrent prejudices that plague the footage, there are some frankly hilarious scenes where Hopkins attempts to act.

Hopkins on baby names

Probably her most famous comment was on baby names on ITV’s This Morning. She told presenters Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby that “you can tell a great deal from a name”. She went on to say that she would not allow her children to play with lower class children with names like Tyler or Chardonnay.

“For me, a name is a shortcut of finding out what class a child comes from and makes me ask: “Do I want my children to play with them? When I hear screeched across the playground: “Tyler! Come back ‘ere.” It’s the Tylers, the Charmains the Chantelles, the Chardonnays.”

Katie Hopkins, ITV’s This Morning, 2013

After admitting that she judges children based on their names, she reeled of a long spiel about her deep-rooted hatred of children with geographical names. It was then pointed out that one of her own children was called India. Needless to say, Schofield and Willoughby had the last laugh. (The first person to tell this reference is in the decablogs instagram dms wins an extra special prize!)

Conclusion

Katie Hopkins has made a career out of spouting drivel, yak and blether. Her abhorrent remarks, which the BBC has rather politely called “right-wing commentary” have landed a great deal of attention of social media platforms. And, despite being banned from Twitter, she continues to haunt news headlines.

Her cockup in explaining her philosohpy on baby names, I believe, show us what here raison d’etre really is. Her half-baked beliefs are contradictory and massively offences – they deserve no place in 21st-century society. Yet, it is by angering people that she remains in the limelight. She was being ratioed before there was a word for it. A beacon of hate, she radiates her cancerous opinions with the sole aim of accruing wealth and infamy.

From her earliest days as a contestant on The Apprentice UK in 2007, she has been followed by a wake of allegations and court cases. This blog is exactly the anger her comments are designed to provoke. One of the joys of writing for a blog that only has three or so readers is that I can write like without furthering her career.

I’d like to finish with a fun fact about Katie Hopkins. As it stands, Katie is the only person to have won the Campaign to Unify The Nation (CUNT) lifetime achievement award.

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this blog, check out some of our other posts, or get in touch via instagram.

P.S. Put your favourite Katie Hopkins quotes in the comments below.

The Meal Deal: A New British Icon

June 26, 2021 / / 4 Comments

The supermarket meal deal – a main, a drink and a snack. Conveniently packaged, and more to the point, competitively priced, the importance of the meal deal in today’s society cannot be overstated. N.B. Decablogs is not in receipt of monetary endorsement for this post. But, if Tesco would like to pay me to gobble down some pasta pots, I’m ready to talk.

26th June 2021

By Austin

When the urge strikes

It’s a Tuesday afternoon. And you’ve been sitting now for roughly forty minutes in your lounge, avidly tracing the motion of the wall-mounted clock with your eyes. As the second hand races towards the top, and the hour hand plants itself above the “1”, you are thinking of one thing and one thing alone – lunch. 

Your brain kicks into gear and as you pace into the kitchen, visions of mediterranean banquets flicker before your eyes. This imaginary mise-en-scene of Italian hams, tomato based sundries and delicious cheeses is shattered when you prise open the fridge to see some low fat margarine, a single spring onion and the cold blue light blinking back at you. There is only one course of action – meal deal.

Snatching your coat from the hook, scooping up your phone, keys and wallet in a perfectly rehearsed pirouette, you swing back the door and stroll down to your local supermarket.

The Meal Deal – a British Icon

What I have just detailed is a vignette of modern british life that rivals even Turgenev in the romance of its realism. The meal deal is a perennial icon. A symphony of thrift and choice that has come to embody a generation of Brits. As the sun reaches its highest point each day, millions of Brits pour out of houses, offices and brothels, with a burning desire for a delicious lunch that won’t break the bank. So, the appeal of the meal deal is undeniable. 

But, the reason for my post is to lay down a few ground rules. It’s fair to say, I have had quite a few meal deals in my time and so I like to think I have a pretty good grasp of what separates a banging meal deal from an out-and-out stinker. 

Where to get your Meal Deal:

The first decision you are faced with (bad news if you are an indecisive Libra) when on the hunt for a meal deal is where to cop it from. To my mind there is only one viable option – Tesco. No one does meal deals like Tesco. For the humble price of £3, you can pick up a quality meal deal from one of 13 million meal deal combinations. 

Historically, my second choice meal deal would have been Sainsbury’s. However, recently they have upped the price of their meal deal to £3.50. So it is no longer the case that the low price compensates for the lack of options. 

Many would argue that Co-op offers a good meal deal option. And to those people I would say, are you high? Co-op is overpriced, limited in choice and generally not a nice place to be. And, in many of the stores I have been in, meal deal items are not clearly signposted, leaving hungry shop-goers to traipse all over to track down a – let’s be honest – astonishingly mediocre lunch.

So, these are the big three on the meal deal scene. However, there is a list of shops from which I would actively discourage getting a meal deal.

  1. WHSmiths – Overpriced, wraps that taste like cardboard
  2. M&S – Great food but be prepared to remortgage your house to finance it 
  3. Morrison’s – I’m sure they’re great but my nearest Morrison’s is 32 miles away (no thank you!)
  4. Pret – not actually a meal deal, grow up!
  5. Boots – As far as meal deals go, they were the first and now they’re the worst

The Nitty Gritty of the Meal Deal

Right, so you’ve made the right call and demonstrated to the world that you have a fully-functioning brain by walking into a Tesco. From the entrance you are able to make out the clearly labelled section “Food To Go” and so you walk over and set about making your selection.

As far as I am concerned, there is only one correct choice with the Tesco Meal Deal. 

  1. Main – Roasted Vegetable and Pesto Wrap
  2. Side – Cadbury’s Boost Duo
  3. Drink – Naked Blue Machine Blueberry Smoothie

The undisputed king of meal deals. It marries taste, vegetarianism, flavour and value in a small form-factor meal that is easy to carry in one hand without a bag. While this is the only logical option, there are a few other approaches that can work.

Value Junkie

Many meal dealers opt for the most expensive items in the meals deal to maximise value, often at the expense of taste. The most expensive meal deal item is the smoothie, double sushi combo.

  1. Main – Vegetable Sushi – £2.75
  2. Snack – Vegetable Sushi – £1.00
  3. Drink – Naked Smoothie – £2.36

= £6.11 for the price of £3.00

While value junkies would be the first to admit that this isn’t the best tasting meal deal, they can justify such a purchase given the immense dopamine rush at seeing the £6.11 total on the self-checkout drop to £3.00.

Themed Meal Deals

Some like to unite their purchases with a common theme. These can include a focus on Indian cuisine (Main: Samosa, Snack: Samosa and Drink: Ginger and turmeric smoothie shot) or a pasta heavy meal deal (Main: Cheese and Tomato pasta pot, Snack: Cheese and Tomato pasta snack pot, Drink: Water – to cleanse the palate between the wildly different main and snack flavours). While I can respect the themed meal dealer, its not a way I can live my life.

There are, however, some lines over which one cannot cross. What follows is a list of cardinal sins, the sort of things that if I saw someone swiping throught the checkout would make me put my head in my hands and wail audibly.

Avoid at all costs

Mains:

  • The Spicy Bean Wrap – If you are consistently beaning, you must really hate yourself
  • Prawn Layered Salad – Stomach churning – who are you trying to be?

Snack:

  • Egg Protein Pot – If you’re choosing this, you are the worst type of person
  • Tortilla Chip Pot – These are always stale. Get doritos like a normal person
  • Tyrrells Vegetable Crisps – Just No.

Drink:

  • Coconut Water – This is what happens when you start choosing meal deals for instagram photos rather than taste

That’s a wrap! (I hate myself too). If you think I’ve missed out any sinful meal deal items, let me know via instagram: https://www.instagram.com/decablogs/ or via email decablogs10@gmail.com. Thanks for reading! If you liked this or want to have more of this style of blog, leave a comment, like and share – it costs you nothing and makes writing these blogs worthwhile 🙂

The Decablogs Sham-ifesto

June 18, 2021 / / 2 Comments

We just beat Google. Now we can topple governments. Next, we can achieve world domination. First, however, we need our own manifesto. Introducing the Decablogs Sham-ifesto!

18th June 2021

Why a Sham-ifesto?

All serious organisations have manifestos. The Monster Raving Loony Party, Boris Johnson’s Conservatives, the Union of Goggle-Wearing Non-Swimmers, to name a few. So, in the wake of our victory over Google, we have decided that we are a serious organisation. What better way to establish ourselves than to create a Sham-ifesto and outline our aims for the next quintillion years?

Following a brief hiatus, our first meeting back, as always, descended into a frenzy. But, from the squawking and quacking emerged a plan; like a Phoenix from the ashes rose the Decablogs Sham-ifesto.

Now, in true Boris Johnson fashion, we can make vague promises which we likely won’t keep about what we will be up to in the coming months. 

The Sham-ifesto

We pledge to:

  1. Publish absolute nonsense purely for entertainment reasons with unwavering conviction to slander
  2. Get sued by – and then beat – Google at least once a month
  3. Release new content on all days that end in a ‘y’ – we are German speakers when we want to be from henceforth
  4. Measure groundswell with a slurry of truly pointless polls on our social media stories every single day
  5. Annoy enrich you all with endless emails and shameless attempts at publicising Decablogs
  6. Avoid the use of full stops at the end of bullet points and numbered lists in order to sustain the sanity of ourselves and our readers
  7. Make a complete mockery of this Sham-ifesto at every given opportunity.
  8. Reach the number 9 in every list we make
  10. Numbered like iPhones, we want these Sham-ifesto promises to be treated like iPhones; discarded each year to appear only in CEX shop windows 

Introducing Decablogs Parliament

Lastly, introducing our newest feature! If you have any issues regarding absolutely anything, pop us an email. Title the subject “Parliament” and include an offence and a proposed punishment/solution in the email, and we will deliberate over the matter with intense scrutiny and give you our verdict. Should your issue be taken to a court of law? Probably not, but it will receive either an email or a blog post in response.

Our email is decablogs10@gmail.com

P.S. Keep it PG if you want it to go on the website.

B. Irish Decablogs Clogs for the Sham-ifesto
B. Irish

David and Goliath

May 8, 2021 / / 6 Comments

8th May 2021

By Austin

In the biblical fashion of David and Goliath, Austin declares war on “Award Winning Social Media Blogger” Mike Allton. After some seriously aggressive tweets, the only thing that can save the Decablogs mothership is full-blown out-and-out cyber conflict. The thick, oozing beef is enough to make a vegetarian like Austin squirm.

Decablogs! The very word is an anagram of ‘sobcdealg’. The Headquarters of Blogging. The dozen or so pages of velvet prose nestling in the warm folds of the ‘.com’ universe. The blog (itself an anagram of ‘glob’) that is girlfriend, mistress, mother, casual boyfriend, sergeant major, nurse-maid, father-confessor and one-night stand all rolled into one. Decablogs means so much to so many.

However, between May 5th and May 7th 2021, a burning injustice was committed. Fellow Decablogger Gavriel set about some perfectly harmless, perfectly legal blog promotion on Twitter and was chewed up and spat out by a bigger boy, by the name of Mike Allton. I don’t want to call Mike a bully, a scoundrel, a good-for-nothing motionless fart because what would that achieve? But, what he said to Gavriel left the poor man in tears, trembling at the very thought of ever having to go on the internet ever again.

While deliberating over whether or not to write this post, I was in my shed. As I was sweating away with chisels and 6ft plywood planks, trying to recall the rudiments of year 7 woodworks, a friend called me and asked what the hell I thought I was doing. ‘I have a record player and nowhere to put it,’ I said, ‘and there comes a time when you need to make a stand.’ So a stand I intend to make.

The Events:

On the 5th of May, Mike Allton (or Big Mike as he shall henceforth be referred to) set about a little bit of – your friend and mine – online promotion. Unfortunately for him, he made the woeful miscalculation of thinking anyone was actually interested in his “Blogging Bootcamp”. His tweet ran as follows:

By all accounts, this is an entirely innocent tweet. Little was Gavriel, of this parish, to know that the moniker “Blogging Brute” plastered at the bottom of his promotion revealed such a core element of Big Mike’s character. At this point, though, we just felt sorry for him. Although we cannot claim to be an “Award Winning Social Media Blogger” like he does in his Twitter bio, we are perfectly acquainted with how it feels not to get any replies to a tweet (yes I am trying to guilt-trip you into following us on Twitter and by Timothy I think it’s working). So out of the goodness of his heart, Gavriel deigned it to reply, thusly:

Gavriel‘s reply above was in perfectly good humour, simply alerting Big Mike that he was not alone in the wilderness of the ‘.com’ universe and that we were there for him. From his reply, it was clear the sort of character we were dealing with. The bullish “Oh Man” says it all. This man is a Blogging Brute. The troll under the bridge spinning riddles so that small bloggers cannot pass. Well, Big Mike, I’d like to take you on a few points (if I may).

Firstly, your query “What do you actually write about?” would be quite easily answered by a quick click on the link that Gavriel was so kind to furnish you with below. Secondly, for someone who rather embarrassingly claims to be “Fluent in Star Wars”, perhaps you should get to grips with English first. Has it occurred to you that “[driving]” and “traffic” are virtually incompatible with one another? I’m not going to sit here and point out all the problems with your Twitter presence without offering a solution. I think you would benefit from writing into Agony Aunt, which by the way will be making a comeback if we hit our Instagram milestone – so go follow us NOW!

Gavriel‘s response below was perfectly poised to help out a clearly disgruntled Big Mike. In a manner we have all come to expect from Gavriel, he replied to Big Mike’s sarky retort with an arm around the shoulder. Gavriel‘s suggestion to “write about current events” was a great one, which I’m sure would help Big Mike drive the traffic of his dreams. If you haven’t already, read the blog Gavriel tagged below about the 2021 London Mayoral Election here.

Big Mike’s last reply says it all really. Before anything else, let it be known that Big Mike Himself, an “Award Winning Social Media Blogger”, thinks that Decablogs will last “years from now”. (Also, FYI, award-winning should be hyphenated. Pretty embarrassing for someone who claims to be an author your Twitter bio). However, the thing that angered us most, that ground our gears, that chafed our crack was what he said next.

“Damn, I was so out of line”.

“I was so out of line”.

“I”.

Mike, Mike, Mike.

I think there has been some sort of misunderstanding. There is no “I” in Decablogs. This is not some egotistical, sycophantic vanity project. No. Decablogs is a collective. More than that, we are principled. We stand up for the little guy, championing the plight of the common man. We seek to right the injustices that poison this hallowed internet, which we all hold so dear. But above all, we do not let brutes go unchecked.

For you, it would seem, blogging is about driving traffic and converting sales. Chasing profit and using others to further your own personal gain. But we Decabloggers see so much more in blogging. A platform for expression, to get voices heard, we are Decablogs. No amount of glibly uttered “Dude”s or “Damn”s can change that.

Those final words of Big Mike’s reply – “Good Luck” – were severely tinged. Any semblance of well-meaning sentiment was disgraced by the smug grin of his profile picture. I have only one more thing to say to Big Mike.

Dude. Years from now you’re going to think back on this thread and realise, “Damn, I really should have looked at my border policy to stop all my hair migrating to my chin.”

Good Luck Big Mike

Decablogs

All the best,

Austin

Mwah.

If you enjoyed this blog, stick it to the man and join the Decablogs movement. Follow our socials and share this post with anyone who will read it. Heck, send it to your nan if you feel like it. Don’t let Big Mike win. Feel free to weigh in on the matter in the comment section below!

How To Write A Blog: A “Useful” Guide

May 3, 2021 / / 8 Comments

This, ladies and gentlemen and readers of this amazing blog and my fan club and my parents and family and friends who in truth are the only ones with the fatal desire to read my blogs, is how to write a blog.

3rd May 2021

By Gavriel

My Life Is Ending – How To Write A Blog

Last night I was, dare I say it, attempting to socialise. Granted, COVID may have impeded my already lacklustre social skills, but I could not help but endeavour into the murky depths of the WordPress app and take a sneaky peek at Decablogs-related stats. Yesterday we reached 369 views, a momentous achievement given that a website called Sacred Scribe Angel Numbers tells me that the number 369 is a message from my angels to “continue forth” (these things have to sound clever otherwise they lose their ounce of credibility). What am I continuing? My “soul mission”, obviously. Nonetheless, since a higher power (probably Mark Zuckerberg at this rate) has instructed me to continue on my path to fame, I shall demonstrate below how to write an amazing blog.

Disclaimer: not all of these points were taken off wikiHow

It all starts with a title

For example, the title which I have used is eye-catching and annoyingly broad, yet it caters to the perfect audience. Those people who have been pestered with endless reminders to read my blogs but never do, also known as my friends, might actually click on this one. Not because they have any care for my life ending but because I am quite an amusing hypochondriac. Additionally, those who despise me will click on this blog in the hopes that my life will actually end. I believe this is called “clickbait”. Always use clickbait.

Write a captivating opening

The wikiHow website had pictures for this one. Honestly, I couldn’t care less what the content of my blogs end up being, but for every click you click we get a nice stat and hopefully some dolla bills yo. As Julius Caesar once said, ‘click clickity click’.

Create the meat of the post

A prime example of this is a rib. A prime rib. See? Bad humour is the meat of every post. That and changing your mind about what you write about. A prime example (not again) is my starting this blog with the intention of complaining about spelling. Alas, I have not done as such. Oh well, as long as you clicked.

Wrapping up and editing

In conclusion, you have just read arguably the most useless blog on this website. Well, there is some contest for that spot, but I think I win. I am also the sole editor for blogs on this thing, so if there are errors it is for my large audience to spot and call me out. Perhaps my next blog could be all the spelling errors I have corrected. I like the sound of that. I also like the sound of cake, and whipped cream, and birds chirping at a reasonable hour whilst I am eating pancakes. Food. In wrapping up, it is important to go on some impossible-to-follow tangent. “For the bantz” of course. Why else?

Respond to comments

Decablogger Noah is perhaps the best at this. Check out his blogs and the comments sections. They are where all the action takes place. In the meantime, I shall respond to a comment made at the time of composing my initial musings for this blog.

[Unnamed humanoid]: Gavriel, get your mug back on camera. We are supposed to be having a conversation you know. Just because you can’t multitask doesn’t give you the excuse to IGNORE ME (note: this person often speaks in capital letters).

Me: Did you say something? Sorry I wasn’t listening.

[Unnamed humanoid]: Well listen then you plonker!

Me: No. (Note: I find myself funny, but I did end up listening because I am weak-willed)

This conversation actually happened. Even though my life is a joke (ooo self-burn, those are rare – best TV show that) that conversation was not fabricated. And on that note, I hope you enjoyed my eloquent nonsensical blog.

Agony Aunt

April 27, 2021 / / 2 Comments

27th April 2021

By Austin

In his restless pursuit of copper-bottomed baboonery, Austin has become Agony Aunt for a week. Below are his responses to emails as far-ranging as subjects about one thing and other subjects about other things:

Howdy! It is well known that in this life one should try everything once, save gnocchi and incest. This week I’m having a bash at being an Agony Aunt. My inbox was flooded this week so unfortunately some of your emails got slightly damp. Nonetheless, I was able to salvage some of your predicaments. But this experiment only lasts for this week, so for Pete’s sake don’t bother me with your problems!!! Okay? Great! Thanks! Much appreciated. Mm!

Dear Aunt Austin, what’s happening to my body? I’m just knocking on the door of fourteen and I am becoming aware of certain changes in me and in my feelings towards others. What does it mean? Yours, ‘Mildly Perplexed’

Dear Mildly Perplexed, pull the other one – it’s got bells on it. You’re fully aware of what’s happening inside you, you just want me to write a reply that includes the word ‘genitals’ so you can have a rotten giggle over it. I only deal with genuine problems here; if you want filth try your local train station car park.

Dear Aunt Austin, my girlfriend, whom I love dearly, is unable to satisfy my appetites, and I have started going to restaurants behind her back. I am terrified that if she sees me eating in a peculiar place she’ll sever the relationship. Should I tell her before she finds out? Yours, ‘Hungry’

Dear ‘Hungry’, There’s more to a relationship than just plain eating you know. Of course, for the first few weeks, food and mealtimes will be the most important thing you have between you, and you’ll spend all day at the table together, exploring each other’s tastes and range of cooking styles. But if a relationship is to last, it’s important you learn to find interests outside of the kitchen. If she can’t satisfy you at the moment, perhaps it’s because you aren’t telling her what it is that you want and need. Buy a cookery book, there are plenty available, showing a variety of cuisines that may be more to your taste. Happy gorging!

Dear Aunt Austin, Mr Graham – our headmaster – is forcing me to do double maths every Monday afternoon. I hate maths and it clashes with Neighbours, the Australian Soap on Daytime TV. Could you come round and shoot him so I can get out of it? Lots of love, Peter

Dear Peter, as much as I would love to help, you have a duty to go to school. I know you teachers don’t get paid enough but there are hundreds of students relying on you to guide them through exams – so buck up and get teaching!

Dear Aunt Austin, I think my wife is cheating on me. She keeps answering calls and secretly texting with her phone angled away from me. I have had suspicions for quite some time now. But recently she has been going out a lot more in the evenings with “the girls” who she knows “from work” and whom I have “never met”. Finally, I had had enough. Last Tuesday I tried to follow her. I tailed her very discreetly in my car and parked outside the restaurant the taxi dropped her off at. As she entered, I crouched down behind my BMW 1 Series M Sport and saw the stuff of nightmares. My exhaust pipe was leaking oil. Is this something that can be easily remedied? Yours, ‘Highly Flammable’

Dear ‘Highly Flammable’, I know of somebody else who is also having car troubles at the moment. Last Tuesday, I met a delightful woman for dinner at a very nice little restaurant. I could tell it was a good one because there were a number of expensive cars outside, including a BMW much like yours. Anyway, I got talking to this woman and she mentioned how her husband was having trouble with leaky pipes – you’re clearly not the only one. My prescription would be to visit your local Kwik Fit, kick the tyres and say “she’s got four good feet on her” to seem like you know what you’re talking about. 

That’s all for this week. Next week I’ll be interviewing the world’s worst escapologist Alexei Navalny on how he is faring in lockdown. Who knows, the week after that I might be on the moon! Look out!!!

All my love, 

Aunt Austin

Oktoberfest

April 6, 2021 / / 2 Comments

6th April 2021

By Otto

The Oktoberfest is the festival of the year for Germans and party enthusiasts across the world; a two-and-a-half week constant flow of music and traditional Bavarian pints to excite the party animals. 

This festival takes place in mid-September and finishes on the first Sunday of October. It is held in the famous German city and the Bavarian state capital of Munich where over 6 million people attend the festival each year. Not only is there the main event in Munich but most major cities will hold their own “Mini-Oktoberfest” like London where they comparatively attract a measly 5,000 people each year.

One of the most famous and significant parts of the festival is the beers. Choice of beer is definitely not taken lightly in the state capital of Bavaria. Due to this only six locally sourced beers are allowed to be served at the festival; these being Augustiner, Hacker-Pschorr, Hofbräu, Löwenbräu, Paulaner, and Spaten all of which must present their newly brewed beers a few weeks before the festival commences to increase the anticipation of the highlight of the year. Most of these breweries have been going for a long time – Augustiner for example has been brewing since the early 14th century. In 2019, 7.3 million litres of beer were poured out at the Oktoberfest which apparently was a poor year compared to the numbers of 2014: then a record 7.7 million litres were poured. And all of this beer is being consumed before 7pm, which is the traditional closing time in the evening – drinking starts at 11am most days. While beer is a crucial part of the Oktoberfest, it’s also becoming a luxury if price trends continue to develop the way they have in recent years. The prices for a Maß (a traditional 1 litre mug) have been going up, amounting to almost 12 euros per mug in 2019.

The original Oktoberfest was in celebration of the marriage of King Ludwig the first and Princess Therese of Saxe-Hildburghausen on 12th October 1810. The festival began as a horse racing event but later quickly developed into more of a festival, with beer quickly overtaking horses as the main attraction.

Another tradition of the Oktoberfest is the dress code. It is custom for the men to wear the classic Lederhosen, short leather breeches, and for women to wear a Dirndl, a Bavarian dress usually blue or green. These outfits will assure you blend into the crowd even if you are just a tourist visiting for the thrills of the Oktoberfest.

Elliot’s Songs of the Week

April 6, 2021 / / 0 Comments

6th April 2021

By Elliot

Magpie – Lava La Rue

Up and coming Ladbroke Grove local Lava La Rue has released arguably her strongest single to date with ‘Magpie’. Lusciously layered soul samples dunk the listener into what can only be described as a dreamy psychedelic RnB experience. Lava’s vocals weave in and out of the contagiously likeable beat, with her rap verses flowing effortlessly. While, at face value, it would seem this song is devoted to past lovers, once examined, it is clear through lyrics such as – ‘hear the beat // London city set me free’ – Lava is celebrating the historical diversity of the city she has grown up in. Not a love song to a partner; instead a love song for her city. With heaps of self-confidence, Lava has once again shot herself into the limelight with this single especially in the UK scene and I look forward to hearing more from her. 

Sisyphus – Quadeca 

To say that Quadeca has come far from his days of dissing and collaborating with YouTubers would be an egregious understatement off the back of his recent single ‘Sisyphus’. The depth and grandiose nature of Quadeca’s production on this track is the first thing that took me by surprise. The combination of choral vocals, synth arpeggios and glitchy blemishes adds to the mountainous feeling throughout. Quadeca’s introspective and mature lyrics use the Greek myth of Sisyphus to explain how he only loves his significant other when he is working or ‘pushing the boulder’ so to speak. The song comes to end with a huge crescendo of jarring drums and distorted guitar something not too dissimilar to Deftones with its metal/hard rock influences. Quadeca has very clearly pulled out all the stops to produce something as gorgeous as ‘Sisyphus’ is and I cannot wait to hear more out of his camp. Whether you have not liked or listened to Quadeca in the past this track is a must-listen for anyone who enjoys good music. 

Born in Luton – Shame 

‘Born in Luton’ is a delightful new track by Shame a band hailing out of South London. Riding the wave of a fresh EU post-punk movement spearheaded by bands like Idles and Viagra Boys. With its screeching heavily distorted guitars from start to finish, the song almost diverges into noise rock at points. The song reaches its climax by the end where it seems to implode as Steen, Shame’s lead singer, with anguish, screams his vocals to outro the song. A really enjoyable listen and definitely worth a shot if you are enjoying the sort of post-punk revival that is happening currently. 

Creed Thoughts 1

March 21, 2021 / / 9 Comments

September 27, 2007

www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts

Creed thoughts!

Hey-o everyone out there in SyberWorld. It,s old Creed Bratton right back at you again from my perch in quabity assurance manager at Dunder Mifflin payper. The last couple-o days have been crazy – man I tell you. The big bossman hit the new chick with his car and is now on the run.

I was on the run once from the Taliban… something about stealing a chair. I don’t remember. Back in the 60s you steal a chair and you get away with it – now everyone wants to cut off your hand. Well, in the end they got my toe. Still though, great heroin.

I,ve seen all kinds of chairs. Big ones. Small ones. I can,t get enough, but sometimes you have to grow up. Like my daughter always says: you can;t stand around hanging brain all day.

Do you know what you don,t see every day? A pig wearing a hat. I tell you – this man – drunk as skunk. What’s he doing? Let me know your thoughts!

Really it is the best time of the year to go play golf. Me? I prefer fishing… or real estate. Nothing like catching a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom condo on the outskirts of Scranton PA.

Right-o, it’s time for the weather: precipitation looking likely, but I think it’s going to be a sunny day.

  1. Prediction: Fast cars will be faster by 2083
  2. Prediction: Michael will cut off his ear and give it to Andrea
  3. Prediction: Pasta will be extinct next fall
  4. Reminder: Michael,s safe combo: 26-32-20

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