Category: Beef

Old School Hip Hopkins

Austin returns with more of his witty insights and off-key remarks, this time on the deportation of Katie Hopkins from Australia. Austin offers a potted history of Hopkins’ run-ins with just about ever faction of society and looks at what her future might hold.

By Austin

The Hopkins Headlines

Everyone’s favourite bigoted, racist, fat-shaming fool Katie Hopkins is to be deported from Australia for bragging about flouting hotel quarantine rules. That’s right, you heard me correctly; in the midst of a global pandemic, with millions dying each day, Hopkins shared an Instagram video of her in Sydney joking about putting frontline staff at risk.

Even by Hopkins’ standards, this is disgusting. However, given Hopkins’ track record, this will not come as a surprise to anyone.

Hopkins was in Sydney as a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother Australia. Since the footage she posted on Friday, her television contract was terminated after she breached visa conditions and brought the Seven Network into disrepute.

Australia’s Deputy Prime Minister, Barnaby Joyce, was not helping any of the Australian stereotypes when he commented:

Hopkins deported - comments from Barnaby Joyce
Barnaby Joyce

“I’ve got no problem sending home someone who wants to flout our laws. You want to flout our laws, then you pack your bongo and get out of the country.”

BARNABY JOYCE, AUSTRALIA’S DEPUTY PM

It would seem the Katie Hopkins’ bongo is not helping her to drum up any positive support (ba-doom-tsss). Her actions have been met with widespread condemnation and caused a great deal of pain to a great many people.

Hopkins and the Australian Celebrity Visa

Katie Hopkins is just one of a string of celebrities who have touched down in Australia during the pandemic. Zac Efron was the first, then Mark Wahlberg, Matt Damon, Julia Roberts and George Clooney just to name a few. It would seem that amid the pandemic, Hollywood best and brightest are fleeing down under to what they see as a Covid-free idyll.

Celebrity sightings in Australia (“Aussiewood”) have skyrocketed

In a country that has largely eradicated the virus, celebrities arriving are free to enjoy beaches, bars and nightclubs at their whim, all thanks to their celebrity visas.

Most of the celebrities are allowed entry to the country for work, with a view to stimulating Australia’s economy. The Australian government have used generous tax breaks to tempt over major film productions, like the next Thor film.

However, to many Australians, this is a kick in the teeth. While yes, there has been a dramatic increasing in celebrity sightings in what has been dubbed “Aussiewood”, there are still 40,000 Australian nationals that have been stranded overseas since the country shut its borders a year ago.

With Australians camped outside Heathrow and other major airports around the globe, Katie Hopkins’ remarks have highlighted the sheer hypocrisy of the Australian celebrity visa system. She has cemented any previous accusations of different treatment for the rich and famous compared to ordinary people.

Is this a first from Hopkins?

The short answer is, no. This is the woman who called immigrants “cockroaches”; the woman who said dementia patients shouldn’t be allowed to “block” up hospital beds; the woman who was prevented from leaving South Africa in 2018 for spreading “racial hatred”. The Mirror had the ingenious idea of blaming her racial hate speech on her having taken ketamine (Hopkins sued).

With someone as consistently outrageous as Katie Hopkins, some of her biggest offences often get swept under the carpet. So, because I am such a lovely person, I thought I’d compile some of her worst outbursts. In no particular order:

Manchester Bombings

Following the Manchester Arena bombings in 2017, a whole host of celebrity and media figures gathered around the city to show support to victims and their families. Katie, however, had other ideas.

She jumped on the event as an opportunity to spread Islamophobic hate speech, declaring that the country needed a “final solution” to terrorism. After the comment had reached the Metropolitan Police, she claimed the comment was a typo, and that she meant to say a “true solution”.

Hopkins on Muslim families

It would seem Hopkins has a penchant for Islamophobia. In December 2017, Hopkins was forced to apologise to the Mahmood family for completely arbitrarily calling them extremists. Hopkins thought she knew better than the US Border Force and published a story in the Daily Mail claiming that the reason they were denied entry to the US to go to Disneyland was because they were terrorists.

To make such an accusation with no evidence shows Hopkins up for the nasty piece of work she really is. Whatsmore, the Daily Mail were forced to pay out £150,000 in libel charges, so they were fuming as well (poor Jonathan Harmsworth boo hoo!).

Gaining and then losing weight

As part of the career-long war she has been waging against the overweight, Hopkins produced a documentary in 2014 in which she gained and then lost weight. She claimed that fat people were nothing but lazy. She said that she could not ever employ a fat person because “they look lazy”. God only knows what sort of opinions she holds on meal deals.

In a sneering, exclusively derogatory tone, the documentary (if you can even call it that) saw her put on three stone before losing it again. If you can move past the abhorrent prejudices that plague the footage, there are some frankly hilarious scenes where Hopkins attempts to act.

Hopkins on baby names

Probably her most famous comment was on baby names on ITV’s This Morning. She told presenters Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby that “you can tell a great deal from a name”. She went on to say that she would not allow her children to play with lower class children with names like Tyler or Chardonnay.

“For me, a name is a shortcut of finding out what class a child comes from and makes me ask: “Do I want my children to play with them? When I hear screeched across the playground: “Tyler! Come back ‘ere.” It’s the Tylers, the Charmains the Chantelles, the Chardonnays.”

Katie Hopkins, ITV’s This Morning, 2013

After admitting that she judges children based on their names, she reeled of a long spiel about her deep-rooted hatred of children with geographical names. It was then pointed out that one of her own children was called India. Needless to say, Schofield and Willoughby had the last laugh. (The first person to tell this reference is in the decablogs instagram dms wins an extra special prize!)

Conclusion

Katie Hopkins has made a career out of spouting drivel, yak and blether. Her abhorrent remarks, which the BBC has rather politely called “right-wing commentary” have landed a great deal of attention of social media platforms. And, despite being banned from Twitter, she continues to haunt news headlines.

Her cockup in explaining her philosohpy on baby names, I believe, show us what here raison d’etre really is. Her half-baked beliefs are contradictory and massively offences – they deserve no place in 21st-century society. Yet, it is by angering people that she remains in the limelight. She was being ratioed before there was a word for it. A beacon of hate, she radiates her cancerous opinions with the sole aim of accruing wealth and infamy.

From her earliest days as a contestant on The Apprentice UK in 2007, she has been followed by a wake of allegations and court cases. This blog is exactly the anger her comments are designed to provoke. One of the joys of writing for a blog that only has three or so readers is that I can write like without furthering her career.

I’d like to finish with a fun fact about Katie Hopkins. As it stands, Katie is the only person to have won the Campaign to Unify The Nation (CUNT) lifetime achievement award.

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this blog, check out some of our other posts, or get in touch via instagram.

P.S. Put your favourite Katie Hopkins quotes in the comments below.

When Did I Ask?

When did I ask? When did I ask you to interrupt my wonderfully articulated, musical speech with such a pointless question? It’s pretty obvious – I love my monologues, hence, well, the blog. So don’t flatter yourself: I am, after all, only speaking for my benefit.

21st May 2021

By Gavriel

Today marks a week since the last Decablogs release, and the few of you that have signed up to – or been signed up to without consent – the weekly newsletter will know why. Exams. Alas, every CEO Laird Chief Supreme High Archangel Esq (as Austin addresses me every time we speak) needs an outlet, and today such an outlet will be my blog.

Hulking Out

Truly, when did I ask? If anything ruffles my feathers it is those who find it appropriate to question why I am talking. The answer is obvious. No, it is not to appease your desire for all the useless knowledge which I possess. So when, and why, did you ask, and why am I rambling? You didn’t have to – I already adore the sound of my own voice. The true question is when did I ask you to speak? Don’t interrupt me and shut the hell up. I don’t care if the world ends because I am having my moment. Thank you.

When did you ask? When did you ask for this wonderful hammering of the philistines that walk this Earth constantly questioning why the hell I’m talking? You did not, but in response to all of you feigning that you do not in fact care about what I am saying, I am coming out guns blazing. When? Now.

When did I ask?

Ah, the classic. This one truly does make me quake in my boots. My hatred for this phrase is comparable to my ill-fitting trousers’ hatred of my socks. Unfortunately, whilst my trousers will likely never have the pleasure of meeting my socks, I have had the utmost displeasure in encountering too many of these people with brains dryer than asphalt after a year of intense drought. When in fact you thought my continued rambling was in response to your question, it was not. Rather, I very much enjoy the sound of my voice. So much so that when I cannot sleep I am oft found reciting Shakespearean soliloquies to cure my boredom.

What gave you the impression that I cared?

If I’m being honest, this one hurts. My usual retort: how did you gather from my continued speaking that I give a toss as to whether you care or not? Underneath, however, I am indeed crying. You see, I hold a very high opinion of myself and my ego is “as large as…” To think that there are people out there who don’t care for what I have to say hurts me. It hurts me to even think that people would so willingly blaspheme. Did you care what Jesus said? I thought so.

I am of course not comparing myself to Jesus, but I am a very important person and a somewhat decent blogger. Hence, you should care about what I have to say. Mike Allton didn’t, and look what happened to him. Do you want to get the same treatment as Austin gave him in his blog? Thought not.

Why did you think that point was valid?

I am a learned blogger. At the ripe old age of two, I read the Biff and Chip books and it has been only up from there. At my current age, I find myself encountering far more smut than I would typically like, though that is beside the point. I am evidently of superior intellect, evidenced by my clash (and ensuing victory) with Big Mike, and am willing to take any other blog on the web. By extension, I am always right. So why did I think that my point was right? In true “history essay” fashion, it is because “evidence suggests that I am almost always right”.

Who asked?

I have reached the point of this blog where I am asking myself many existential questions. Who asked for me to write this? Why did I write this? Surely I have better things to be doing? Work perhaps? Not obsessing over effectively using rhetorical questions? Writing something serious perhaps? Maybe about my interview with a certain celebrity/politician for this very blog? Acquiring my daily hot chocolate from Pret before I run out of time?

The truest answer I can give, not to the rhetorical questions but to the question of “who asked” is as such: you did. Now, don’t pretend you didn’t preface your witty retort with a question, nor should you pretend that you don’t care about what information I have to share. Listening to your jokes is as painful as wading through thick, old, mucky treacle. Just delightful.

I guess the real question now becomes: “who did actually ask me to write this blog?” The answer – nobody, because I can do what I want. Like fire people, for example. Or tell Google to go away and stop suing us for copyright and spamming the website. Perhaps my attempts at trying that will be explored in a future blog. Until then, ask yourself: who asked you to read this? Because it was most likely me. I asked. That’s who.

When did I ask?
When did I ask? I don’t know, but I definitely did

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Quick shoutout to my friend Eliane who thinks she is so cool and constantly weaves these questions into our conversations. Eliane, as my guy William once said, I have no more faith in you than in a stewed prune. Perhaps it is because you are an alien. I’ll get Noah on that. His alien-hunting expertise is second to none.

David and Goliath

8th May 2021

By Austin

In the biblical fashion of David and Goliath, Austin declares war on “Award Winning Social Media Blogger” Mike Allton. After some seriously aggressive tweets, the only thing that can save the Decablogs mothership is full-blown out-and-out cyber conflict. The thick, oozing beef is enough to make a vegetarian like Austin squirm.

Decablogs! The very word is an anagram of ‘sobcdealg’. The Headquarters of Blogging. The dozen or so pages of velvet prose nestling in the warm folds of the ‘.com’ universe. The blog (itself an anagram of ‘glob’) that is girlfriend, mistress, mother, casual boyfriend, sergeant major, nurse-maid, father-confessor and one-night stand all rolled into one. Decablogs means so much to so many.

However, between May 5th and May 7th 2021, a burning injustice was committed. Fellow Decablogger Gavriel set about some perfectly harmless, perfectly legal blog promotion on Twitter and was chewed up and spat out by a bigger boy, by the name of Mike Allton. I don’t want to call Mike a bully, a scoundrel, a good-for-nothing motionless fart because what would that achieve? But, what he said to Gavriel left the poor man in tears, trembling at the very thought of ever having to go on the internet ever again.

While deliberating over whether or not to write this post, I was in my shed. As I was sweating away with chisels and 6ft plywood planks, trying to recall the rudiments of year 7 woodworks, a friend called me and asked what the hell I thought I was doing. ‘I have a record player and nowhere to put it,’ I said, ‘and there comes a time when you need to make a stand.’ So a stand I intend to make.

The Events:

On the 5th of May, Mike Allton (or Big Mike as he shall henceforth be referred to) set about a little bit of – your friend and mine – online promotion. Unfortunately for him, he made the woeful miscalculation of thinking anyone was actually interested in his “Blogging Bootcamp”. His tweet ran as follows:

By all accounts, this is an entirely innocent tweet. Little was Gavriel, of this parish, to know that the moniker “Blogging Brute” plastered at the bottom of his promotion revealed such a core element of Big Mike’s character. At this point, though, we just felt sorry for him. Although we cannot claim to be an “Award Winning Social Media Blogger” like he does in his Twitter bio, we are perfectly acquainted with how it feels not to get any replies to a tweet (yes I am trying to guilt-trip you into following us on Twitter and by Timothy I think it’s working). So out of the goodness of his heart, Gavriel deigned it to reply, thusly:

Gavriel‘s reply above was in perfectly good humour, simply alerting Big Mike that he was not alone in the wilderness of the ‘.com’ universe and that we were there for him. From his reply, it was clear the sort of character we were dealing with. The bullish “Oh Man” says it all. This man is a Blogging Brute. The troll under the bridge spinning riddles so that small bloggers cannot pass. Well, Big Mike, I’d like to take you on a few points (if I may).

Firstly, your query “What do you actually write about?” would be quite easily answered by a quick click on the link that Gavriel was so kind to furnish you with below. Secondly, for someone who rather embarrassingly claims to be “Fluent in Star Wars”, perhaps you should get to grips with English first. Has it occurred to you that “[driving]” and “traffic” are virtually incompatible with one another? I’m not going to sit here and point out all the problems with your Twitter presence without offering a solution. I think you would benefit from writing into Agony Aunt, which by the way will be making a comeback if we hit our Instagram milestone – so go follow us NOW!

Gavriel‘s response below was perfectly poised to help out a clearly disgruntled Big Mike. In a manner we have all come to expect from Gavriel, he replied to Big Mike’s sarky retort with an arm around the shoulder. Gavriel‘s suggestion to “write about current events” was a great one, which I’m sure would help Big Mike drive the traffic of his dreams. If you haven’t already, read the blog Gavriel tagged below about the 2021 London Mayoral Election here.

Big Mike’s last reply says it all really. Before anything else, let it be known that Big Mike Himself, an “Award Winning Social Media Blogger”, thinks that Decablogs will last “years from now”. (Also, FYI, award-winning should be hyphenated. Pretty embarrassing for someone who claims to be an author your Twitter bio). However, the thing that angered us most, that ground our gears, that chafed our crack was what he said next.

“Damn, I was so out of line”.

“I was so out of line”.

“I”.

Mike, Mike, Mike.

I think there has been some sort of misunderstanding. There is no “I” in Decablogs. This is not some egotistical, sycophantic vanity project. No. Decablogs is a collective. More than that, we are principled. We stand up for the little guy, championing the plight of the common man. We seek to right the injustices that poison this hallowed internet, which we all hold so dear. But above all, we do not let brutes go unchecked.

For you, it would seem, blogging is about driving traffic and converting sales. Chasing profit and using others to further your own personal gain. But we Decabloggers see so much more in blogging. A platform for expression, to get voices heard, we are Decablogs. No amount of glibly uttered “Dude”s or “Damn”s can change that.

Those final words of Big Mike’s reply – “Good Luck” – were severely tinged. Any semblance of well-meaning sentiment was disgraced by the smug grin of his profile picture. I have only one more thing to say to Big Mike.

Dude. Years from now you’re going to think back on this thread and realise, “Damn, I really should have looked at my border policy to stop all my hair migrating to my chin.”

Good Luck Big Mike

Decablogs

All the best,

Austin

Mwah.

If you enjoyed this blog, stick it to the man and join the Decablogs movement. Follow our socials and share this post with anyone who will read it. Heck, send it to your nan if you feel like it. Don’t let Big Mike win. Feel free to weigh in on the matter in the comment section below!

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