Guess who’s back, back again, Gavriel’s back, tell a friend. Tell a friend that he’s a bellend. Astrology is a science, and after last week’s spot-on predictions, I am back to damn you all with bad news. Classic Monday.

28th June 2021

By Gavriel

Astrology IS A Science

After many complaints last week, I would like to clarify that astrology is a science. We received much feedback about how many of my predictions came true (although that could partly be because I am always right), so it is pretty obvious that I know my stuff. The stars and planets do too. Are you going to doubt the planets? Thought not. Without further adieu, this is what will happen to each of you in the next week.

Aries | 21 March – 19 April

Over the coming week, you will convince yourself that you are a deep and enlightened soul. You are delusional and love self-aggrandisement. Listening to Adele’s Rolling in the Deep does not make you suddenly aware of everyone’s deepest secrets, because, unless you are a book or TV character built on trauma, no one is really that complex.

Stop pretending that you know what you are on about and stop judging people because you are not a higher entity. The Devil’s Anus is cooler than you. In fact, one might say you have a royal sceptre up your anus. You will drink milk this week.

Taurus | 20 April – 20 May

Megan Fox is a Taurus. Therefore it is only right that my prediction for the next week is that you will all find love. In Megan Fox’s case, that would be with me. The Decablogs DMs are always open because my private account is too private even for Megan Fox.

I reckon once we are famous across the whole galaxy, and we are already world-famous so we’re halfway there (woooaaaah, living on a prayer), I will make a burner account on Twitter. Perhaps I will roast Decablogs and whatnot. Or I could do that now in the form of a blog. Thoughts?

Gemini | 21 May – 20 June

All Geminis are wankers, and I’m just thanking my lucky scientific stars that it’s no longer your month. Although, every month is your month. Obviously, because you make it all about you all the time. You will drink urine without knowing it. Karma is a bitch, sonnnnn (Brooklyn 99, Season 5 Episode 14, the one with the dentist played by Sterling Brown). Or should I say sun?

Cancer | 21 June – 22 July

Congratulations, it is your month. Just because it’s about to be your birthday doesn’t mean you can avoid daily trips to the shitter. You guys fart a lot. A lot a lot. This week you will hopefully wipe your bum, but on a separate note please stop thinking that you are better than everyone else. You are what you eat and you lick your fingers after you go to the toilet. Put two and two together and you will probably drink some dirty water. Water…

Leo | 23 July – 22 August

You probably have no plans for the next week but have warned everyone for months that you will be a “riot” once things re-open. You won’t be. Instead, you will put a picture of you holding a glass of wine on your Instagram story. It’s just dark grape juice, and if you knew how to make a Margarita then you still wouldn’t. Enjoy your dry week being little fun whatsoever. Enjoy your grape juice but try to spice it up a bit. Ever had Ella’s Kitchen?

Astrology in an Ella's Kitchen shell

Virgo | 23 August – 22 September

I like you guys. Most of the time. Alas, this week you won’t bear the brunt of my star grazing. Mostly because I ran out of time due to an extended time staring at Uranus. Don’t be silly there. But you will most likely be caught masticating by your parents this week. Enjoy that odd experience, but try some cake. Ahhh, cake. Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake. Caaaaaaaaaaaake. Looks like a strange word, doesn’t it? Cake. Now you are hungry. So am I. Boom.

Libra | 23 September – 22 October

Oh, what a time to be alive. Or rather, what a time to be born! In the upcoming week, you will be prosperous, and Megan Fox might even slide into your DMs (if you are me). Now, you may crown yourselves as legends. Enjoy your evening glass of milk with cookies you absolute ballers.

Scorpio | 23 October – 21 November

I heard there was a She-Hulk series coming out at some point on Disney+ and most of you will be in the running to get an audition. Naturally, you were the best choice (#methodacting), but you will still be moody the entire time. However, there is a distinction between being horrible and moody, and you aren’t an Aries so you aren’t a bitch. Then again, you are still quite annoying. Think of a little brother. Nice company sometimes, but annoying the rest.

Sagittarius | 22 November – 21 December

Stop boasting this week. It’s enough, really. I mean, you basically live the same, mundane life that we all do yet for some reason you think that you do things better. You are, in fact, a prick – I had to take ‘prick’ out of all my previous blogs for Google suing us reasons so I’m delighted to bring that back. But let’s be honest, none of you Sagittarius blokes are reading this blog because you are shocking human beings who refuse to be semi-decent. Enjoy lying in a cactus bath.

Oh, and this week you will drink water because you aren’t exciting enough for milk or alcohol. Some of you are nice, by the way. You don’t know who you are. Odds are if you think you’re nice, you have a massive ego. Makes up for the little package. From Amazon of course.

Capricorn | 22 December – 19 January

Congratulations! This week you will become so deluded that you think you have a unicorn. You will spend hours shining its horn and then realise, that you were, in fact, shining something less fun. Cilit BANG and your nice skin is gone. Instead of your normal apple, you will have eaten an onion for dessert too. Well done, pat on the back, move on.

Aquarius | 20 January – 18 February

I like Aquarius people. The dude looking over my shoulder is an Aquarius, as are many Decablogs super-fans. Hence, you guys will have a good week. I guarantee it. And if you don’t, someone is lying about your birthday. Aquarius is also water stuff, so check out Boris’ blog on cephalopods.

Pisces | 19 February – 20 March

Everyone hates Pisces men, but this week I’m inclined to give them a break. Mostly because this is the last bit of my blog and I am all out of inspiration. Partly because I am a saint and you guys deserve some slack. However, you will likely drink some alcohol this week to distract you from a) existential crises b) your failures c) the knowledge that you didn’t get beat about this week. Enjoy your week off.

Astrology My Arse

When talking about planets, Uranus comes up a lot. Why is that? Obviously, because it’s my Aquarius sign, yadda yadda yadda. So yeah, the end of this here blog is an anus joke, because why the hell not? Intergalactic peace out.

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