Noah is fascinated by aliens and extra-terrestrial beings. As an inexperienced alien hunter he has sought to expose some of the most prevalent aliens in society: Mark Zuckerberg, Dominic Cummings and Matt Hancock.

11th May 2021

By Noah

For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated by the idea of aliens and extra-terrestrial beings. Conspiracy theories like Area 51 and Roswell are just so perplexingly interesting for me. Yes, I guess you could say I get very easily convinced by conspiracy theories just for the sheer fun of them, but what if aliens actually did live among us? What’s more, we wouldn’t even know if they did. That said, whilst some aliens living among us hide it excellently, there are those who do not hide well at all. Using my limited alien-hunting skills I very easily found three aliens living among us: Domonic Cummings, Mark Zuckerberg and Matt Hancock. Please go back to your home planet. We do not want you here. Other aliens might be exciting, but you are not. Go home. 

I’m sure I am not the only one to realise that these ‘men’ are clearly not ‘men’ at all, but in fact beings from other galaxies that are doing a very poor job of imitating humans, but for the avoidance of doubt, let me explain how I have come to this conclusion. 

Dominic Cummings

Appearance: Slightly weird. Can’t be pinpointed. Are his eyes a bit too close together?

Alien rating: 7/10

Human rating: 2/10 (editor’s note: the alien and human ratings don’t add up to 10 here because he is part troglodyte)

Alien planet: Cumming

The supposed mastermind behind Brexit is quite clearly slimy and green beneath his human-skin overcoat. There’s something about the way he wears glasses that suggests he either has mind control or x-ray vision. Evidence for the fact that his alien race is ‘Cumming’ is suggested in an interview where he begins with the phrase: ‘thank you for Cumming’. Perhaps this is a ‘Cumming’ greeting that begins all conversations? This is probably not dissimilar from saying grace before a meal or thanking Earth for a bountiful harvest. Of course, the name of this mysterious alien race is where he gets his ‘human’ surname from. Furthermore, it was in this very interview that Cummings apologised for breaking COVID regulations and driving to Durham. However, I have concluded that he was in fact trying to escape Earth. Only 20 miles from Durham, Tyneside is a small town where there have been numerous UFO sightings and it’s not very hard to connect the dots and realise that Cummings had something to do with these sightings. Spitting Image does an excellent job at conveying rather the same point as me. Cummings is clearly an evil alien genius. 

Mark Zuckerberg

Appearance: Not very similar to Jesse Eisenberg. He has the palest possible complexion known to man when in true alien form. 

Alien rating: 7/10

Human rating: 5/10

Alien planet: Brodo Asogi (same as E.T.)

Facebook is widely used and widely praised. However, inevitably, every silver lining has a cloud – the company’s owner and founder is an alien… Oh sweet, sweet Marky Mark. You did everything right (not really) until this photo of you surfing was released. If that even is a human ‘surfboard’ after all and not some alien device. You could have passed as slightly weird before this moment. But, here today, your fun studying the human race must come to an end as I have revealed your true identity. It was Facebook that allowed Zuckerberg to do this so brilliantly. With its creation, he can monitor over 2.7 billion people and learn from us as we continue to accept his “terms and conditions”. Are his intentions good or bad? I cannot say. Your only take away from this should be to perhaps read “terms and conditions” before immediately pressing accept in case you agree to offer your body as a human host for Zuckerberg.

By the way, check out Gavriel’s blogs which almost always shout out Zucky: one such one is “How To Write A Blog” at:

How To Write A Blog

Matt Hancock

Appearance: Remarkably similar to the average 42-year-old male.

Alien rating: 1/10

Human rating: 1/10

Alien planet: Unknown

Look. Matt Hancock is a fairly normal guy who happens to be fairly terrible at his job. And, like Mark Zuckerberg, he wouldn’t be noticed as an alien if it was not for one slip up. In an interview with Wendy Maisey, Hancock stands just too close for any real human.

His intent, fixed, gaze on Maisey suggests that either he has never seen a woman before, or he has never been allowed this close to one. Pretty strange. His motives remain unknown, and in general, he remains under the radar. But I’m expecting this man to do something big soon… and something equally weird.  

By no means is this the vast extent of all the aliens living on Earth; these are simply the three that I have chosen to unveil. Furthermore, it was not my intention to challenge the giants of the social media world just as Austin did in his blog (linked below). My sole intention is to raise awareness about the possibility that your neighbour might not have the same sequence of DNA as you. 

David and Goliath

Thanks for reading and a big “THANK YOU” to Mike Allton.

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